Friday, June 5, 2009

Hump Day Humor: My Attempt at Meaningless and Trite Facebook Status Updates

One of my great annoyances in life are when people put Facebook status updates that really make no sense but because they use a few key words a ton of people give it a thumbs up and give a hearty Amen! in the comments.  So, I thought I would try to put together a few status updates.  I thought about experimenting on Facebook to see how many thumbs up I got…but I figured some people may think I am seriously that lame (because I am).  If I sound like a 15 year old girl that is intentional…

Here are a few feel free to add some in the comments.  Also, if you happen to be an “emo” band and would like some lyrics you cannot steal these amazing lines but you can buy them for a buck fifty.  Without further ado here is my emo-song/lame facebook status update generator:

Option #1: The “I Can’t Do It Forever”

I can’t (insert something necessary) anymore; You’ve taken away my (insert something happy) plus (add an eternity type of word)  

Example:  I can’t breathe anymore; You’ve taken away the sunshine forever.

Now you need a question…one that reeks of desperation and an inability to see tomorrow. 

Will my heart ever (insert something strongly desired) again?  I can’t imagine (insert a longing type of word) plus (a negative that eternally negates the positive just mentioned). 

Example: Will my heart ever hope again?  I can’t imagine dreaming in such a darkness without end

Now you have to express this with the most vivid and intense pain you can think of and as many references to your inner being (heart, soul, etc.) as you can fit in.

With a (insert a painful “ing” word here) heart, (insert a big verb or adjective here) (necessary preposition) (here is another painful “ing” word) my soul (insert your final most crushing death blow of pain) (now make it forever)

Example: With a bleeding heart, scarred by falling, my soul is gasping for one last breath.

Option #2 “The Everybody Knows What I Am Going to Do But I Have to Dramatize It and Make People Think I Had No Choice When I Really Did”

You have to start out with a question to your heart; a question of daring adventure.

Should I (insert verb) when (statement against all odds with a good “ing” word)?

Example: Should I leap when my heart is crying stay here forever?

Now you have to express the utter inability to do what the question asked.  In our above instance you have to either express the impossibility of leaping or of staying forever, but do it in the form of a question with an obvious answer.

How can I (insert verb) when (an extreme time clause) is (insert a negative “ing” word) of the (insert a painful negative) by my side. 

Example: How can I leap when every moment is screaming of the emptiness by my side.

You have to close this one out by removing all personal responsibility and helping everyone know that you have no options but you have to do what you know you shouldn’t (even though we all know it is what you really want but you have to pretend like it’s not what you really want). 

This (insert a fatal object) I (the way you would be consumed by fatal object) causes my (insert hopeless word of captivity).  I am now seeing that I must (insert verb) even though (insert a good word like love, peace, etc.) (now do something negative to that good word) my (something necessary or strongly desired).

Example: This poison I drink causes my surrender.  I am now seeing that I must leap even though love is choking in its sleep. 

Option #3 A random jumble of happy garbage that sounds significant but is really saying absolutely nothing. 

If you want to master this one then listen to Oprah, read Dr. Phil, listen to emo, and spend a couple of hours in Hallmark. 

All I can really do is give you a few examples and hope you pick it up.

Do rainbows dream in color, my bleeding heart wants to know?  If freedom is forever, why does love never seem to grow? 

You see it rhymes, it uses a few “ing” words, it makes mention of the heart, freedom, rainbows, dreaming, growing and it also uses eternal words like “forever” and “never”.  So pick some happy words, some desire words, a few “ing” words, put them into question form and make them forever. 

I am finally seeing that the stranger in my mind is wrapping himself around my skin.  Leaving is tragic when the mirror breaks through the dark.

One of the best lines that you can use is “I am finally seeing”.  A great way to twist a lyric is to pull an M. Night and break reality.  Stranger is a good word to use but you cannot keep him a stranger otherwise it is not interesting.  You’ve got to make him personal.  Again notice the “ing” words and the painful words like “tragic, dark, wrapping around my skin”.  Still this lyric means nothing but it sure sounds like it should.

Okay this will be enough to get you going…I will try to provide an Emo/Lame Facebook Status Wordbank for you in the future...

Comment away…


  1. This is genus! You have saved much time and much I found it humorous and brightened my day

  2. Lol...dude I literally Lol'd...

  3. Brilliant...are you a songwriter?



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