Hump Day Humor: Good Idea/Bad Idea

A few nights ago we introduced our son, Isaiah, to the world of Animaniacs. One of our favorites growing up was the Good Idea/Bad Idea shorts. This one was Isaiah’s favorite:

If you want to spend 9 minutes laughing here is the whole collection:

Hump Day Humor: Need a Valentine’s Date?

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

Some of my readers might be single and needing a date. If that is the case and if you lean towards Calvinism (or if you want to score a date with someone who does) try these sweet pick up lines. Or even if you’ve been married for over 40 years and want to sweep your honey off her feet.

This is old but still funny…kind of like my grandpa:

Hump Day Humor: What to Do With Vegan Bacon

I’m with Ron Swanson on this one:

Hump Day Humor 3.7.12

I’d take guitar lessons from this person:

I love this commercial (HT: 22 Words): 

I should probably just call this feature HT: 22 Words because here is another funny from there:

Pentecostal Gorilla:

The only hope for Cubs fans (and probably Royals fans too):

This from a fun site called Questionable Advice:

Hump Day Humor 2/22/12

Though I wouldn't recommend this practice for believers--no matter how bad the service, I did find this rather clever and funny.

  (HT: 22 Words)

This is also clever:

  (HT: Trevin Wax)

You gotta’ love some fishing bloopers:

(HT: Kevin DeYoung)

This was totally me---it may still be…

If you fear the CIA here is why you need to get out of Facebook:

(HT: Z)

Kitty Fail!

(HT: 22 Words)

Hump Day Humor 2/8/12

I really like this:

(HT: 22 Words)

I really would like to work with Improv Everywhere:

I’m not sure this is meant to be funny, but I found it hilarious anyway:

Very helpful mushroom advice from 1916:

Hump Day Humor 1/25/12

This looks like homework I would have turned in high school:

This looks about as good as most real television shows:

(HT: 22 Words)

This one has made its rounds at several places:

 

What happens when the defrost goes out in your van in an ice storm and you cannot really pull over to the side of the road but have to drive another twenty miles to get to the marriage conference you are co-teaching?  Your good friend Jason gets the idea to put a sock on the windshield wiper…that’s what happens:

This one raises so many questions…

From (QAA)

Hump Day Humor: Top 10 Signs Your Pastor is an Arminian

I sure hope this is funny.  This is my attempt at a humorous response to the papers being disseminated throughout Tennessee.  See here for the full story.  One of those papers is a list of things that are Reformed Red Flags.  I find quite a few of them funny because they are not only true of Calvinist but Christians of various theological persuasions.  If you want to find the full humor then make sure you read this alongside my Top 10. 

Again please know, this is not meant to offend.  If anyone is offended (unless you are just being a pansy) I will take it down quickly.  Without further ado here is the Top 10 signs your pastor is an Arminian:

1.  Sometimes his invitation lasts for hours because he knows that someone is still refusing to make that decision for Christ.

2. Use of the Life in the Spirit Study Bible

3. Refusing to add any other statements or confessions to what their church believes.  Insisting that God got it right when He wrote the Baptist Faith and Message.  (Debate still lingers as to what edition was “inspired”).

4. Focused on making sure the church does not attempt to be the “true” church.  He’s not sure yet what this means but he just knows that we should not like Jeff Noblitt.

5. Look for the men they quote in their sermons: Adrian Rogers, Charles Stanley, John Wesley, and Jacobus Arminius.

6. They will call other Arminians to join them on their church staff as they purge their churches and associations of anyone that even smells like a Calvinist, e.g. wears CALVIN Klein cologne.

7. They will methodically employ a strategy of "convincing” members that the doctrines of grace are evil, against evangelism, and follow a man instead of Jesus.

8. Tendency toward a highly illogical and unsystematic theology.  He knows all of the answers except for when He doesn’t.  And then when he doesn’t know the answer he will confront you for putting God in a box. 

9. They love to use the older methods of passing out information.  Like setting up booths at annual meetings or passing around papers to your associations.  Arminians are not predestined to be good bloggers.

10. Tendency to be evasive about their theology during the pastor search process.  He just believes the Bible.  He’s not sure what he means by that, because he refuses to have any sort of systematic theology.  But he teaches the Bible as it is.

Now obviously these are ridiculous.  I know many Arminians that are great theologians.  I know some Arminians that do not like to “give an invitation”.  I know some that have a desire for biblical church discipline.  I know Arminians that use the ESV Study Bible.  I know Arminians that love John Piper and John Wesley.  I know Arminians that are great bloggers, and I know some that are passionate about stamping out Calvinism in their blogs. 

These little letters are just horrible and divisive.  What is sad is that those who pass these out may cause several unaware and uninformed people to go on a quest to stamp out really good, solid, and loving pastors that love Jesus and bleed for their congregation.  Then at the end of the day they will stand up and say, “see Calvinism divides churches”. 

Yes, Calvinists can be jerks.  And yes, Calvinists can divide churches.  But so can Arminians and all those in between. 

Hump Day Humor: Busted!

I found this while doing sermon prep.  The original source is unknown but I found it here.

The drunk husband snuck up the stairs quietly. He looked in the bathroom mirror and bandaged the bumps and bruises he'd received in a fight earlier that night. He then proceeded to climb into bed, smiling at the thought that he'd pulled one over on his wife. 

When morning came, he opened his eyes and there stood his wife. "You were drunk last night weren't you!" 

"No, honey."

"Well, if you weren't, then who put all the band-aids on the bathroom mirror?"

Hump Day Humor: Thrown Together Quickly Because I’m in Colorado Version

I’m with Zach Nielsen; I hope this sweeps the nation:

Thanks to my friend Brian for pointing this one out:

Hump Day Humor: Epic Fail

These are brought to you by FailBlog.org

Hump Day Humor: Bowling Edition

Did this really happen to a professional?

 

I am glad this has never happened when we have taken teenagers out bowling (minus of course the “Nathan incident”:

Hump Day Humor: Dog Diary v. Cat Diary

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

(HT: Z)

Hump Day Humor: Aprils Fool's Gone Wrong Edition

Hump Day Humor: 3G Eternity Edition

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room. He decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from family and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor passed out. He looked at the computer which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 2, 2009

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

(HT: Guy Muse via. Frank Viola)

Hump Day Humor: Church Blooper Edition

I got this in e-mail the other day. Everyone and their mom has probably already seen it (probably because your mom forwarded it to you). But I have to finish up preparing for a sermon today...so I am going to be a tad lazy with this one. This are however funny. These are real sentences that have either appeared in bulletins or have been said in church:

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may beseen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'