Hump Day Humor: Top 10 Signs Your Pastor is an Arminian

I sure hope this is funny.  This is my attempt at a humorous response to the papers being disseminated throughout Tennessee.  See here for the full story.  One of those papers is a list of things that are Reformed Red Flags.  I find quite a few of them funny because they are not only true of Calvinist but Christians of various theological persuasions.  If you want to find the full humor then make sure you read this alongside my Top 10. 

Again please know, this is not meant to offend.  If anyone is offended (unless you are just being a pansy) I will take it down quickly.  Without further ado here is the Top 10 signs your pastor is an Arminian:

1.  Sometimes his invitation lasts for hours because he knows that someone is still refusing to make that decision for Christ.

2. Use of the Life in the Spirit Study Bible

3. Refusing to add any other statements or confessions to what their church believes.  Insisting that God got it right when He wrote the Baptist Faith and Message.  (Debate still lingers as to what edition was “inspired”).

4. Focused on making sure the church does not attempt to be the “true” church.  He’s not sure yet what this means but he just knows that we should not like Jeff Noblitt.

5. Look for the men they quote in their sermons: Adrian Rogers, Charles Stanley, John Wesley, and Jacobus Arminius.

6. They will call other Arminians to join them on their church staff as they purge their churches and associations of anyone that even smells like a Calvinist, e.g. wears CALVIN Klein cologne.

7. They will methodically employ a strategy of "convincing” members that the doctrines of grace are evil, against evangelism, and follow a man instead of Jesus.

8. Tendency toward a highly illogical and unsystematic theology.  He knows all of the answers except for when He doesn’t.  And then when he doesn’t know the answer he will confront you for putting God in a box. 

9. They love to use the older methods of passing out information.  Like setting up booths at annual meetings or passing around papers to your associations.  Arminians are not predestined to be good bloggers.

10. Tendency to be evasive about their theology during the pastor search process.  He just believes the Bible.  He’s not sure what he means by that, because he refuses to have any sort of systematic theology.  But he teaches the Bible as it is.

Now obviously these are ridiculous.  I know many Arminians that are great theologians.  I know some Arminians that do not like to “give an invitation”.  I know some that have a desire for biblical church discipline.  I know Arminians that use the ESV Study Bible.  I know Arminians that love John Piper and John Wesley.  I know Arminians that are great bloggers, and I know some that are passionate about stamping out Calvinism in their blogs. 

These little letters are just horrible and divisive.  What is sad is that those who pass these out may cause several unaware and uninformed people to go on a quest to stamp out really good, solid, and loving pastors that love Jesus and bleed for their congregation.  Then at the end of the day they will stand up and say, “see Calvinism divides churches”. 

Yes, Calvinists can be jerks.  And yes, Calvinists can divide churches.  But so can Arminians and all those in between.