Thursday, March 21, 2013

You Deserve This Post

Finally. After 31 years of trying to convince people someone finally gets it. I am awesome and I deserve awesome things. This was confirmed to me in an email sent by Marriott, the luxurious* hotel chain. According to these dudes I’m entitled to a spa, a weekend stay, chocolates, and a bunch of other goodies. The subject of the email was simple: YOU DESERVE THIS.

Darn right, I do, Marriott. And I deserve one of those sweet cozy bath robes too.

Of course the jokers said at the bottom of the email that it would cost a few dead presidents for me to obtain the reward for my awesomeness. Nevertheless, I am feeling pretty good about myself after reading this email. Now two people—the secretary for Marriott’s CEO and my wife—agree that I’m pretty amazing.

Actually this is not a new message. I have been hearing this message since I was old enough to hear messages. I was told that I deserved A’s in school. And I got awards just for showing up. My cartoon shows told me that I could be anything that I wanted to be. I deserve success. Whilst pounding down McNuggets in the late 80’s I was reassured by Ronald that “I deserve a break today…” The health clinic down the road tells me that I also deserve to be healthy. I deserve an amazing house. Apparently I deserve that Camaro down the street (and not apparently my 2000 Oldsmobile Alero).

Thank you world, for recognizing what I’ve known all along! I’m amazing simply because I suck air.

I know that you are wondering what my next amazing trick is going to be. So I will tell you. Why? Because YOU deserve it, that’s why! My next trick will be to reinterpret this verse:

Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty’.

Not cool, Jesus. I deserve to be thanked. I deserve to be applauded. Doesn’t he understand that if I have such a negative view of myself (unworthy servant) that I will not be able to do all of my awesome stuff? How can I possibly love other people if I’m not enamored with myself first?

This verse has to go.


Keep in mind that “luxurious” to an associate pastor raised in a town with a population of less than 1,000 will tend to be different than those of you that have actually experienced luxury.

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