Brothers, Let Our Attitudes Match Our Prayers

Last week we began our Pray For Your Wife: 31 Day Challenge. The response has been tremendous. We have over 1,400 guys praying for their wives. As I think about the impact of this many guys praying for their wives—I can’t help but also think of 1 Peter 3:7.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
(1 Peter 3:7 ESV)

For some, the first reading of that verse might evoke a slight chaffing. After all, we live in an age when saying things like “weaker vessel” is offensive. And there might be a reason for discomfort because let’s face it, some guys really can be jerks. And such jerky guys have used verses like 1 Peter 3:7 to promote their insecure theology. Offensive as it sounds I’m convinced that there is something beautiful in seeing our wives as the “weaker vessel”. Robert Rayburn explains:

Remember weaker" is being used in a context. A ming vase is weaker than a five dollar hammer; a Rembrandt canvas is weaker than a razor blade; and Mother Teresa was weaker than Mike Tyson! Peter is not talking about comparative worth, he is speaking of the reason why men have a special responsibility, laid upon them by their Creator, to show a particular regard for women and their wives in particular. It was not so long ago, even in secular Western societies that a man's manhood was judged according to the way in which he protected and provided for the women in his life. Only a feminist ideologue surveying the wreckage of American society can really believe that the abandonment of this viewpoint has improved the lot of women and children.

Wives are a treasure that are given to husbands to nurture and care for.  The Lord love for His daughters is so mighty that He promises that husbands who do not treat them with care will be hindered in their prayer life.

I’ve known men (including myself) that have felt a darkness and a separation in our prayer life with the Lord.  I have felt my ability to pray (not to mention preach and write) hindered.  It’s like there is a big fat rock that stands between me and the Lord. 

My natural inclination to remove that rock is to get uber-spiritual. I’ll read a book on prayer, spend some time alone with the Lord, or I might even go so far as to fast. The boulder continues to stand between myself and the Lord. And it stays there because what I really need to do is stop being a bear to my wife. Instead of mourning and even praying about the separation, what I really need to do is go home and repent of my attitude and lack of nurturing my wife.

The 31 Day Challenge

While we are praying for our wives this month I think it’s important that we also remember to be tender with them. If we are praying for our wives to change and yet we are not treating them with honor, tenderness, and understanding our prayers will be hindered.  And they will be hindered until we actually begin treating them with honor, tenderness, and understanding. Might it be possible that our repentance before our wives will be the very thing that God uses to answer our prayers for them.

It’s not always the case that feelings of distance in our relationship with the Lord is because we have been blowing it as husbands.  But this is one of the few things in Scripture that the Lord promises will hinder our prayers.  And so if we feel a distance there it would do us well to analyze our level of tenderness towards our wives. 

As a side note to our married female readers: consider how much the Lord loves you that He would cause a hindrance in His relationship with your husband because your hubby is not nurturing you.  God cares for you mightily, so much that He rips up the conscience of us men until we begin treating you the way that we ought. 

May we not only pray for our wives this month but may we nurture our wives in such a way that the Lord will use us to answer those very prayers.

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Originally posted here in a slightly different format.  

Pray For Your Wife: 31 Day Challenge

Last week I listed 7 Reasons Husbands Should Pray for Their Wives. It had a favorable response and so I thought that perhaps we should take this a step further.

Beginning on August 1st, I want to challenge guys to a 31 Day Challenge of praying for your wife every day. As I’ve thought about this what I believe I really need is to put a FACE on praying for my wife:

• Focus—I need to know what specifically to pray for my wife or I’ll just keep praying the same things over and over again.
• Accountability—I need a group of guys to keep me accountable and remind me daily to passionately pray for my wife.
• Challenge—I need to be challenged to go deeper in the way that I pray for my wife. A community of other guys praying will help shape my prayers.
• Encouragement—Sometimes we pray for things and God’s answer is slower than we like. We need encouragement to keep praying.

If you need these things too I want to invite you to join me in praying for your wife. Here are steps to take in joining with me:

First, join the 31 Day Pray For Your Wife Challenge Facebook group. It is a closed group so you’ll have to ask for an invite. If you have any problems email me ( mike [at] fbjasper [dot] org )

Secondly, get the word out. Every married guy needs to be praying for his wife. This is one way to encourage you to do just that. Retweet this post, like it on Facebook, do whatever you can to involve more and more guys. Brothers, we need a community like this to put a FACE on our prayers.

How Will it Work?

Every day I will post a particular focus for our prayers along with a sample prayer. You can comment with your own prayers, etc. Also you will be challenged to “like” that status if you prayed for your wife that day, as a means of accountability. My hope is that we create a little community where we can pray for our wives, share our concerns, pray for one another as husbands, etc.

I also would love to share testimonies of what the Lord does through our prayers for our wives.

Also if you are engaged, separated, or anything else that might make you think that you aren’t qualified to join this—fear not. You can even pray for your future spouse or the spouse that you are estranged from. Maybe the Lord will use this as a means to restore broken relationships.

Will you join us?

7 Reasons Husbands Should Pray for Their Wives

I’ve been thinking recently about my need to pray for my wife. And I don’t just mean a quick little prayer for her in the morning or at night; I mean intentional and devoted praying for my wife. As I’ve been thinking through this and trying to practice it, I’ve thought about a few reasons to pray for our wives. Here are seven:

1. Prayer softens my heart towards her. I’m usually tender towards my wife. But I’m also a sinner—and sadly, I can have times of callousness. Prayer keeps my heart soft because it helps me see her more accurately.
2. Prayer directs my heart towards her. I can get so wrapped up in my own business that I am blind to her needs. Prayer causes me to dedicate time to thinking about her struggles, successes, and needs.
3. Prayer binds my heart to hers. When I pray for my wife I am invested in her. You show me a husband that is abusing his wife, disrespecting her, cheating on her, or something else, and I will show you a husband that has stopped praying for his wife. Prayer molds my heart to the heart of my wife.
4. Prayer helps me celebrate her. Our wives are a gift to us. We husbands ignorantly forget that sometimes. Intentional times of thanksgiving for my wife reminds of what a gift she is to me.
5. Prayer puts me in my place. I can be a selfish jerk. My mind and heart can go haywire and I can have prideful, fearful, bitter, and selfish thoughts towards my wife. It’s kind of hard to maintain that posture on your knees before a holy God.
6. Prayer is how I fight for her. I’m called to fight for my wife’s joy in Christ. That, to our shame, is not something that often comes easily. Prayer is one of the ways that I fight for her joy in God. Bible study is not the only way that I can wash her in the water of the word. Praying Scripture over her is another way that I can do this.
7. She needs it. My wife is a redeemed sinner that is being constantly renewed. She needs Jesus every moment. Not to mention that her task as a wife to me is daunting. Throw on top of this her calling as a mother to our two young children. She needs prayer.

Husbands, pray for your wives.

How Do You Know If You Were Supposed to Marry Your Spouse?

He looked as if he had accidentally been thrown into the dryer with a load of socks. His clothes were disheveled, his hair was unkempt and his eyes told the story of a man dizzied by life. Then he said it…

“I’m not sure that I’m supposed to be married to my wife”.

As I questioned his statement he gave a well-reasoned defense. He explained that he married his wife against the counsel of his parents, his pastor, and his Christian friends. They all reminded him that God’s Word says we are not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. He ignored their counsel, went to Las Vegas, and eloped with the woman of his dreams.

His marriage was great for awhile. Then the fights started. Now he is miserable and he knows why. He believes that God has a plan for his life, a plan that is to give him hope and to cause him to prosper; a la Jeremiah 29:11.

Though there has been no infidelity, no abuse, no abandonment he believes that God honors his intention to divorce this woman that is making him miserable. He has prayed about it and believes that God has given him the stamp of approval because he began his marriage in sin—thus leaving God’s plan for his life. He reasons that the only way for him to get back on track is to divorce his wife; he cannot live another moment in sin.

So what do you tell him?

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How do you know if you were supposed to be married to your spouse?

For the sake of full disclosure I need to tell you that I am happily married. I’ve never been in this guys situation. I have yet to be in a spot where I’m looking for a loophole and trying to get God’s approval to end my marriage. I love my wife deeply and if I found a loophole I would board it up.

But I have had to answer this question because of conversations similar to the one above. How do I know that God intended for me to marry my wife? How do I know that she is my “soul-mate” the one that God had planned for me?

My answer is simple. Are you ready for it…

I know that God intended for me to be married to my wife because…I’m married to my wife.

That’s it. No magic 8 ball. No twenty questions to determine if she is right for me. Once I said, “I do”, I forfeited the right to ask that question. Before our wedding- day I could ask questions of whether or not she is the right one for me. But after that day it’s out of the question.

If you are married you are called to love, serve, honor, and cherish your spouse. You don’t get to use God’s mysterious will as an out-clause.

Marriage and Pruning

Today’s guest post is from my amazing wife Nikki Leake. Nikki is the wife of yours truly, the mommy to Isaiah (5)  and Hannah (2). She is also a very talented musician and gives vocal, piano, and guitar lessons at Hometown Music in Huntingburg, IN. Eventually, she’ll have some songs to share with us here at Borrowed Light.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” –Jeremiah 17:7-8

Recently,our family took a little jaunt to Hannibal, Mo; the home of my husband and I’s alma mater and many, many precious memories. We enjoyed the changing campus, and reminisced the days of our meeting and subsequent courtship. It was a special blessing to share our memories with our two young children.

One specific place my husband and I used to frequent was the HLG nature trail. We took our children down the winding trail in search of something very dear to us. For the longest time we had no success in finding our treasure. Our hearts dropped into our stomachs with the thought of not being able to share this very unique symbol with our children…until finally I heard those sweet words, “I found it!”

Overjoyed, I ran to where my husband was standing and my smile quickly faded. “Is that it? Are you sure?” was all I could muster. He was right. There it was, hunched over and choked beneath layers of intertwined trees, shrubs, and weeds.

You see, nearing the end of our year and a half long courtship, in order to demonstrate his hopes for our future together, my husband had planted a tree. A beautiful flowering Dogwood tree (sweet, huh?) He led me to the tree and read Jeremiah 17:8. It has been our hope that our marriage would reflect Jeremiah 17:8; rooted in Christ and fruitful in all seasons.

The last time that we had visited our special spot (a couple years ago) our tree was healthy and growing towards the sky with promise. Now, looking at our struggling tree, it didn’t take long for me to hear the Lord’s admonitions. As we pulled away all of the intruders to ensure the well-being of our tree, the potent and transforming symbolism struck me.

Our precious tree needed pruning.

This pruning experience seems easier in most relationships except marriage. Perhaps it is because we put so much of our identity in our marriages. Pruning hurts.

Yet, God has given us the high calling of reflecting Himself and His relationship with His Bride. If our marriages are to even faintly accomplish this goal, we must clear away the weeds and thorns that threaten to choke even the healthiest and happiest of marriages.

Reflecting upon the pruning that is often needed in marriages, I thought of five major culprits. Here are the five, followed by a Scripture passage that I have found helpful in battling them—these cut to the core of our hearts and motivations:

1. Bitterness. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.  Mark 11:25
2. Selfishness. I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you.   And here is how to measure it -- the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends. John 15:12
3. Harshness. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
4. Self-preservation. Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience  Colossians 3:12
5. Fleshly eyes: From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. 2 Corinthians 5:16a (Jesus loves our spouses more than we do. Am I seeing my spouse with the eyes and heart of God right now?)

Our marriages are definitely worth all of the time, energy, love, nurturing…and yes…pruning we can afford. They are one of the most powerful weapons that will ever be ours to wield. May we be found faithful with them.

How My Wife and I Are Changing Our Devotional Times

My wife and I are changing the way that we do devotions together. For one, we want to be more faithful in actually reading the Scriptures and praying through them. With two young children, ministry, and a host of other things we have had a difficulty blocking out time to spend together in the Word.

Secondly, we have developed an unhealthy pattern. We have a tendency to bond in negative things. This means that when we interact with the Scriptures we talk more about how we blow it than we rejoice in the provision of Christ to meet our weaknesses. I have not led well in making our devotions life-giving.

I want this to change.

For an undetermined amount of time we are going to study the Scriptures for the sole purpose of worshipping together. No questions. No focusing on our sins or successes. Simply worship. With every text we are going to make it our aim to feast on the beauty of God.

This practice is largely inspired by this quote by John Newton.

“I hope what you find in yourself by daily experience, will humble you—but not discourage you.

For if our Physician is almighty—our disease cannot be desperate. Our sins are many—but His mercies are more. Our sins are great—but His righteousness is greater. When our sins prevail, remember that we have an Advocate with the Father, who is able to pity, to pardon, and to save to the uttermost!

It is better to be admiring the compassion and fullness of grace which is in our Savior—than to dwell and pore too much upon our own poverty and vileness.”

Pray for us. Pray that the Lord would cause us to worship together, and that he would give us eyes to see Him.

Baseball, Streaking, and the Christian Life

At one point this season, Royals centerfielder Lorenzo Cain had a 12 for 18 streak. That streak* was filled with homeruns, doubles, and more than one clutch RBI. When interviewed during this streak, Cain commented that the ball was coming to him looking like a beach ball. His comment got me thinking about living the Christian life.

I’ve actually experienced the beach-ball effect. At one point during my senior year of high school (the last year I played hardball) I had a similar streak to Cain’s. As I watched the ball come to the plate it seemed to grow at the same rate as the Grinch’s heart. It’s easy to hit a baseball when you see it this clearly.

I’m not in the major leagues.

That is because for the most part I’m a terrible hitter. Typically the ball looks like a deflated ping pong ball. And that (among other things) is what separates me from major league stars. Any schmuck can hit a ball when it looks three sizes too big. What separates the big boys of summer from the mustard-stained amigo on the couch is how you hit when the ball is normal—or even when it appears smaller than normal.

3 Lessons From the Beach Ball

I believe you could use this analogy for a number of things. You could talk about pastoring in the difficult times, parenting when your kids seem like monkeys hopped up on energy drinks, being a good friend when your buddy is a jerk, or remaining faithful as a spouse when times get really tough. You can apply it many ways. Here are three general lessons that I draw from the beach ball.

1. It’s not the hot streaks but the day to day faithfulness to Jesus that will define me. The world might view us based upon our best day or on our worst day. But the Lord (and history) seems to view the entire trajectory of our lives. If I’m amazing at being a husband for three months after attending a seminar, but I’m a terrible specimen of a man the other nine months I’ll be defined as a husband that blew it.
2. How I respond in the cold streaks matter. If I give up and wait until the beach ball moments come back I’ve blown it. I think about this with writing. Sometimes it comes with ease. Other times it feels like I can’t even write my name. Yet I keep plodding along.
3. Am I taking advantage of those beach balls? Listen if the Lord gives you an overflow of grace you had better use it up. It’s like manna—it’s meant for today. If the ball feels like a beach ball don’t stand at the plate with the bat on your shoulder looking for a walk, get after it. You know that the streak won’t last—that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take advantage of it. Some people can’t enjoy the view from the mountain because they see the valley right around the corner.

If you’re having a beach ball experience then enjoy it and use it for God’s glory. If things are coming a little more difficult keep plodding along. Take heart in knowing that the most important aspect of your faith is it’s unchanging object.

Keep on swinging whether it looks like a beach ball or not.
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*Did you think I meant a different type of streaking? Silly rabbit…

6 Principles For Spiritually Nourishing Your Family

I have been reading The Shepherd leader at Home by Timothy Z. Witmer. It is a short book that packs a pretty solid punch. Witmer encourages husbands and dads to know, lead, protect, and provide for their family. In his chapter on Spiritual Provision, Witmer lists six principles* that can help assist the spiritual reflection times you have with your family:

1. Be realistic. Don’t set plans that you can’t actually sustain
2. Be systematic. Do have a plan, though
3. Be flexible. Rigidity will lead to disdain, it’s okay to miss a night
4. Be consistent. Missing a night should be the exception, not the rule
5. Be interactive. Be intentional about encouraging involvement
6. Be real. Make this a natural reflection of your own walk with Christ

I have found Witmer’s book helpful. You may as well. You can purchase it at Amazon for only 8 bucks.

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*The points are Witmer’s, the summary is mine

Suggested Resources for Marriage Help

Earlier today I outlined one component of our churches strategy for assisting marriages. I promised a list of suggested resources for marriage help. Here you go.

What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp
One of the strengths of this book is that it gives six commitments that couples can slowly work through to strengthen their marriage. It will help to build a solid foundation and these commitments will give a framework from which to build.

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
Perhaps the greatest strength of this book is its author. Tim Keller is always helpful in explaining things boldly as they are but in a way that is compelling and reasonable. This is a decent book if you are married to a religious skeptic.

This Momentary Marriage by John Piper
Classic Piper. As typical Piper is unswervingly biblical. He looks at marriage from its eternal perspective. Sometimes the most helpful thing in marriage is to take a step back and to get a God-sized vision of things. Piper’s book helps with that.

No Ordinary Marriage by Tim Savage
Savage seems to pick up where Piper leaves off. His central claim is similar to Piper’s, in that God’s glory is the glue that bonds together our momentary marriages. However, Savage is more practical in how this works out in a marriage.

When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey
You are a sinner married to a sinner. That is the central component to Harvey’s book but it is very helpful. Harvey shines in showing how the gospel informs and transforms our marriages.

Pursuing Peace by Robert D. Jones
Because marriage is the union of two sinners we will have conflict. Jones’ book is an excellent treatment of handling conflict biblically. This book makes practical the theology the other books set in place.

At every marriage conference we give away a free copy of one of these books.

Marriage Retreat Outline

I wrote the material for our marriage retreat. Actually, that is kind of a lie. Paul Tripp, Tim Keller, Dave Harvey, Robert D. Jones and a few other authors wrote a good chunk of it. All I did was take many marriage books and put them into a digestible form. Here is the outline of the marriage retreat.

Session One: A Theology of Marriage.

In this session we introduce the material and explain why the material is not immediately practical. We then attempt to define marriage. We use this definition. Our aim in this session is to get everyone on the same page as to what constitutes a biblical marriage and to help couples see that their marriage has meaning.

Session Two: The Gospel, Our Roles, Our Model, and Our Redemption

This session is an adaptation of a sermon I preached on Ephesians 5:21-33. Here we look at a sacrificial husband and a submissive wife. We also note that both of these are broken pictures and the reality is found in Christ Jesus. We use this session to not only inform couples of their biblical role but also to present the glorious gospel of Jesus.

Session Three: Marriage in a Broken World

Here we get honest about all of the struggles we face in marriage. We begin by having couples outline all of the problems that couples have in marriages. Then we attempt to get at the root of these problems. We look at the inward cycle of sin. We also use some material from Robert D. Jones’ book and give couples a way to think through the fog of marital conflict.

Session Four: Putting Our Theology Into Practice

In the final session (usually on Sunday morning) we watch a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show. You can find the video and a brief outline of this session here. We use this episode to apply everything we learned in our marriage retreat. We close up the final session with a Q & A time and invite people to help us improve our marriage retreats.

Those are the basic teaching outlines. We also have group time after each session. After these sessions the guys and girls separate and discuss what they learned using a few guided questions. We then come back together and discuss everything as a group. There are also a few guided questions for couples to consider during their alone times.

Every conference we also send home a free book from our suggested resources list with each couple. I will post that suggested resource list later today.

Why Our Marriage Retreat is Not “Practical”

Early on in our marriage my wife and I attended several marriage conferences. Our marriage was not on the fritz or anything like that. We loved each other deeply but we needed some assistance in how to do life together. Seldom did these marriage conferences have lasting results. They gave us a few practical tips to take home and apply but within a few weeks our marriage slipped back into our natural way of doing things.

What was seldom addressed in these conferences was my heart. Oh, there was the obligatory session on making Jesus central in your marriage. But this was usually nothing more than a well meaning attempt to share the gospel with unbelievers. As the conferences progressed it seemed as if the gospel was left behind and we went forward into the really practical stuff. Most of this advice was nothing more than Christianized psychology or sociology class. All of the advice could have just as easily been taught in a secular setting minus the Bible verses.

Because my heart was never addressed all these conferences did was make me a more crafty and sinful husband. I could manipulate these “Christian” principles to get my way. They made me a more polished sinner.

Why Our Marriage Retreat is Not “Practical”

There are scores of Christian books and conferences out there that are very practical and honestly can be very helpful. Most people that come to a marriage conference want tips for changing their marriage. They want to know a seven-step process for changing their marriage. And so we acquiesce and give the practical stuff that people can take home with them and immediately apply to their marriage. The problem with seven-step processes though, is that they either work or they don’t.

One couple attends the marriage conference (couple A) and they find these practical tips helpful. They take these tips home and apply it to their marriage. Things begin to change. Their are so excited about this new material that they invite their friends (couple B) to attend the next marriage conference. They assure this young couple that learning this will help their marriage to become as happy and pleasurable as their own.

Couple B attends the marriage conference with Couple A. They learn the seven-step process, take it home and immediately apply it to their marriage. They have a new found hope that finally their marriage is going to be as happy as it was supposed to be on their wedding day. But then they hit a wall. It doesn’t work. For couple B these biblical principles “didn’t work”.

Naturally the struggling couple slips back into unhealthy, unbiblical, and even worldly practices in their marriage. Eventually couple B goes to the courthouse and files for divorce. They tried the Bible thing but it didn’t work. It didn’t fix their marriage, so God obviously wants them to not be together. (That may sound A to Z but I have witnessed this happen more times than I have fingers).

The difference between couple A and couple B is theology. Couple A went to the marriage conference with a relatively healthy theology of marriage. These practical tips assisted them in applying their theology. Couple B had a poor theology of marriage and so their application of the practical tips did little because they never addressed the heart.

Every problem that we have in marriage is fundamentally a theological problem. Or to put that another way every problem that we have in marriage is a “gospel” problem. It is not necessarily that we do not know the right answers to Bible questions. But it is that because of sin in our hearts, or perhaps because of ignorance, we are not applying the gospel—we are not applying our theology—to our marriage.

This is why our marriage retreats are not “practical”.

Or are they?

I believe giving people a theology of marriage coupled with a few helpful pointers is more practical than giving people seven steps. It is similar to the old adage that if you give a man a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach him to fish you feed him for a lifetime. When sinners are given practical tips but they are not taught how to address their hearts it is similar to just giving them a fish. But teaching people how the gospel informs every component of their marriage helps them fish for a lifetime.

Address the heart and apply the gospel. You’ll be eternally practical.

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Later I will show you the outline of our marriage retreat material.

One of the Most Important Things We Do As a Church

It is no secret that marriages are struggling. It is also no secret that marriages are struggling even within local churches. This is not surprising. Marriage is the union of two sinners. Marriage does not come natural and they need healthy communities in order to thrive. They also need the gospel. With our increasingly fragmented cultures and the continual watering down of the gospel it is not shocking that marriage is falling on hard times.

In response to this trend our church decided to begin having frequent marriage retreats. One of the core values of our church is to be a gospel-saturated community. One area in which this is lived out is in equipping families. We believe that in order for marriages to thrive they need a robust gospel and to live life in a community informed by that gospel. Therefore, our marriage retreats seek to strengthen marriages by rooting marriages in the gospel and building a community saturated by the gospel.

The Plan

Our goal is to have one marriage retreat every quarter. These are not meant to be large groups. In fact we cap off our attendance at 10 couples per quarter (including the lead pastor and myself). Every quarter one of our deacons will go with his wife. He will also invite another leader that he has been actively training and discipling.  This leaves six open slots. Our deacon picks two families from his deacon family list to invite to the retreat. This leaves four slots. We leave these open to the church on a first come first serve basis.

We keep the cost at only $100 per couple. This covers the cost of most of their food and their room at the Highland Lakes Camp. We leave on Friday evening and return back to our homes on Sunday afternoon.

During the weekend we have four teaching sessions, group time, tons of free time, and worship time. Part of our goal is to encourage our leaders to step up and minister to these couples. We also want this to be an avenue for new leaders to emerge (those that our established leaders have been discipling). We also believe that this time away will build relationships between many couples in our church.

This is one of the most important things that we do as a church. It gives us an entire weekend to teach a robust gospel and to create and cultivate gospel-saturated communities. As marriages are strengthened so is our local church and community.

Tomorrow morning I will explain why our sessions are not “practical”…

Husband’s and “Honey-Do’s”

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist.    (John 13:1-4 ESV)

There is a massive amount of theology and application in this text.  As I am reading it this morning, though, Jesus is teaching me how to be a better husband.  Jesus models for me how a husband ought to serve his wife.  Not only by what is there but also by what is NOT in this scene. 

If I Painted This Scene

This story would be different if it was reflective of my level of service to my wife.  Jesus would still wash the disciples feet.  He would even do it for those that sinned against him.  But there would have been a sentence added to the story that goes something like this:

“During supper, and after waiting for a lengthy period of time, Jesus noticed that Frank the Footwasher was not on duty that day.  The disciples feet were getting pretty rank, so somebody was going to have to wash them.  Jesus, being the humble servant that He is, decided that He would be the one to wash them.” 

You see I do a somewhat decent job of reactionary serving.  Maybe not immediate reactionary serving, but I do respond when things get a little out of hand.  I’ll sit for as long as I can but at some point I realize that it is time for service.  When dishes pile up in the sink and buzzards start hovering over the stank of our van I decide that it is probably time to kick in and start being a servant. 

That is not, however, following the footsteps of Jesus the Servant. 

The Scene As It Is

There is no mention of Frank the Footwasher in this text.  Even if there were it would be of Jesus giving him the night off.  Jesus was not a reactionary servant.  Jesus was an intentional servant.  He did not see an out of control need and then hop to the occasion and call himself a servant.  He served before there even was a massive need. 

He came to the feast that night with the intention of serving.  This is modeling for me not only how to be a good disciple, or a good leader, this is modeling for me how to be a good husband.  Husbands that follow the footprint of the Master do not sit around and wait for a “honey-do” list, they create their own.  Lord, help me to be a better servant to my wife.

On an unrelated note, I’ve got to go clean out my van.  If I don’t come back for a couple days send somebody to get me out…

So, You Want to “Try Out” Marriage…

“You don’t buy shoes before you try them on, do you?” 

Well, actually, I typically do.  I know my size.  I know what I like.  If it fits those qualifications, I need shoes, and I have the money for them, then I buy the shoe.  But I get your point.  Shouldn’t you give your “marriage” a trial-run before you tie the knot?  You don’t want to just flippantly enter into marriage, and that’s good, so it’s logical to see how well you are able to do life together before committing to forever. 

I’ve read from a few places that statistically it is no longer true that if you live together before marriage it will end in divorce.  I don’t know.  You can usually make 100% of statistics say what you want them to say.  What I do know is that apart from repentance and a worldview change I do not hold out much hope for a couple that decides to live together before marriage. 

I say that I do not hold out much hope for such a couple because it is obvious that the guiding factor in their relationship is not God’s Word and wisdom but their own words and wisdom.  If you do not listen to God’s Word before your marriage you probably won’t listen to it after your marriage.  That means that Mr. Wonderful won’t have the bearings to sacrifice for Ms. America when she becomes his Mrs. America.  If Ms. America doesn’t submit to a higher authority now what makes Mr. Wonderful think that he’ll be awesome enough to draw out her “submitting as unto the Lord”? 

But where does it say in the Bible that couples cannot live together?

Okay, I confess.  It does not say in the Bible, "thou shall not live together”.  Partially, because such an activity would have ended with an angry father “dealing with” such a brazen suitor to his daughter.  That is one reason you do not see it in the Bible.  It simply was not an option in that culture.  But it is in our culture.

So you are correct that no verse in the Bible explicitly forbids you from living together.  However, Scripture very clearly teaches that any sex outside of marriage is sin.  Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”  No sex before marriage. 

“But we aren’t having sex”, you say.  First of all I celebrate that.  Congratulations.  Secondly, why in the world would you want to tempt yourself like that?  You’re not a eunuch right?  You find this girl sexually attractive don’t you?  What in the world makes you think you can pray yourself out of sinning in this way when it clearly says to flee sexual temptation? 

Furthermore, what did you say your reason for living together was?  “To try it out and see if we are compatible”.  And how exactly do you plan on “trying out marriage” without also “trying out” sex?  You can’t try out marriage without being married anymore than you can try out being a dad without being a dad.  You’re never going to be fully prepared for marriage.  Living together sure as anything won’t prepare you because it’s giving you some of the benefits of marriage without the commitment of marriage. 

Lastly, the Bible also says not to give an appearance of evil.  Anybody with a brain is going to assume that if you are living together that you aren’t just staying up at night playing Super Mario Bros.  They are going to assume that you are having sex.  “That’s their problem” you say?  No, it’s not.  That’s your problem.  If you are making “weaker” brothers and sisters stumble that’s a you problem not a them problem.

If you are sexually attracted to this person there is no biblical way that you can live together without sinning.  You are either giving an appearance of evil.  You are testing the Lord and not fleeing sexual immorality.  Or you are just flat out engaging in sexual immorality. 

Repentance

I’m not encouraging you to merely “stop living together”.  Though that is good counsel and you do need to stop living together, I’m actually hoping for something deeper.  Your worldview needs to change.  That’s why you decided it’d be okay to shack up in the first place.  That’s why when you weighed all the pro’s and con’s you only counted, “God says it’s wrong” as one point on the con side.  And that’s why you were able to even justify that one away. 

You need to know that God makes the rules for marriage.  He created marriage, love, and relationships.  That means He gets to define them.  Not me.  Not you.  We naturally want to rebel from that.  We want to define these things.  We want to tell God what love really is.  Such subtle, yet brazen, rebellion leaves our relationships in shambles and our souls depleted.  Thankfully, God not only tells us what love is—He shows us.  He shows us by doing the hard thing of sacrificing even His own life for our benefit.  That’s love. 

Turn away from pretending that you get to define marriage and believe that God already has.  Trust him to provide a solid and biblical marriage for you.  Believe Him enough that you’ll “buy the shoes” without trying them on because you trust the One that made them.  You don’t need to “try out” marriage you just need to know and trust the One that created it.  Specifically, that He is powerful enough to direct your steps. 

The Quiddity of Redemption

    You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
        and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
    but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
        and your land Married;
    for the LORD delights in you,
        and your land shall be married.
    For as a young man marries a young woman,
        so shall your sons marry you,
    and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
        so shall your God rejoice over you.
(Isaiah 62:4-5 ESV)

This passage of Scripture is rocking me today.  I’ve been camping out on it for near an hour now and chewing on it’s splendor.  I’m thinking about the exuberant joy that I had on my wedding day.  I know what it is to rejoice over a bride.  (I still do 8 years later)

What made me so joyous on that day?  Was it the culmination of a 20 year search for deep and abiding love?  Yeah, that probably had something to do with it.  Perhaps it was just the sheer shock of how much I was marrying up.  The realization that I had actually tricked my beautiful bride into marrying me.  Too late to back out now, honey.  It was more so just the sheer joy of the thing itself.  The fact that I now had permission to fully and without reserve to give myself completely to her and to just flat out enjoy her. 

What then about the Lord’s “rejoicing over us”?  Is it as if He’s rejoicing in a job well done?  That finally we’ve been made righteous, our sin and unbelief has been obliterated by the cross work of Jesus. Is it a rejoicing in the work of the Son?  Those are certainly included in this rejoicing. 

But I think the rejoicing of Isaiah 62 is more than just the Lord popping his knuckles and standing in awe of a job well done.  Though that is certainly true.  I think this joy here is what C.S. Lewis referred to as quiddity.  My favorite chapter of Jared Wilson’s new book is Chapter 4 which is entitled, At Play in the Fields of the Lord. Jared reflects on quiddity and how C.S. Lewis spoke of how a friend had cultivated it in him:

“…a serious, yet gleeful, determination to rub one’s nose in the very quiddity of each thing, to rejoice in its being (so magnificently) what it was.”  John Piper echoes this sentiment of quiddity, commenting on this kind of awareness: ‘To wake up in the morning and be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sound of the clock ticking, the sheer being of things…’  (Gospel Deeps, 90)

Wilson goes on to show how the gospel alone “frees us to enjoy things as they truly now are and as they someday will be”.  That is what is so shocking to me about Isaiah 62:5.  If anyone is able to enjoy the quiddity of a thing it’s the Lord Himself—the very author of Lewis and his quiddity.  This phrase “so shall your God rejoice over you” is simply an enjoyment of the thing itself.  He’s delighting in Himself as he delights Himself in us.

It’s worthy of great delight and worship to think of the Lord rejoicing over His workmanship in my redemption.  It’s quite another to think that He is rejoicing in heaven over the very thing itself.  Yet this is what Christ has secured through His mighty cross work.  We have become “a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD”. 

It’s one thing to say that the Lord forgives me.  That’s enough to dance for eternity.  To know of His protection, His healing, His provision, and His rescue is cause for continual praise.  To be reconciled to Him and also to others is a deep well of delight.  To be transformed so that I’m holy, so that I can enjoy what I ought to enjoy, and to be found in Him without a righteousness of my own, these are part of the pleasures evermore.  But for the Lord to say, “I delight in you”.  That causes my jaw to drop to the floor. 

It’s one thing to be forgiven quite another to be delighted in.  Yet this is how deep the Lord’s redemption flows. 

When the Roof Caves In On Your Marriage

Every few months our church will sponsor a marriage conference.  We try to have about 5-6 couples go on a weekend retreat.  One of the staples to our marriage conference is to watch this episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show, The Night the Roof Fell In,  before our final session:

It is a hilarious episode that you should be sure to watch some time.  It also gives a great insight into our marriages.  How often when we replay our arguments with our spouses (or even others) does it appear as skewed as Rob and Laura’s version of the fight? 

In our last session of the marriage conference, with a little help from Dave Harvey’s book When Sinners Say I Do, we use the example of Rob and Laura to take our theology of marriage for a spin.  Using Harvey’s helpful language we give four “gears” of advice:

1. In Humility, Suspect Yourself First
2. In Integrity, Inspect Yourself
3. Admit that Circumstances Only Reveal Existing Sin
4. Focus on Undeserved Grace, and Not Unmet Needs

The gospel helps us to see that our marriage problem is much worse than we think it is.  But it is also much more simple.  The problem with my marriage is that I’m a sinner.  But that is also good news.  Because it means that Christ has already solved the greatest problems that our marriage will ever face. 

Because of Jesus the roof doesn’t have to cave in.  Though we might have little spats like Rob and Laura the gospel informs those arguments.  Whenever we replay these tiffs in our minds, the deeper the roots of the gospel are the more accurate we’ll assess the real issue.  And hopefully we’ll have marriages that are marked by a grace towards one another that is evidence of gospel change.

Husbands, Understand Your Wife

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way…

If you want to see what that looks like it is modeled in Revelation 2-3.  Every letter from Jesus to these individual churches display’s his understanding.  All seven letters have the phrase, “I know”. 

Jesus knows His Bride.  He knows her struggles.  He knows her circumstances.  He knows her good.  Her motivations.  Her reputation.  Her love.  Her faith.  Her service.  Her pain.  Her needs.  Her wounds.  Her sin. 

When he speaks tenderly to her he does so out of knowledge.  When he exhorts her to more faithfulness it is from a storehouse of understanding.  Jesus knows His Bride.  Husbands, do you know yours?

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Of course this analogy breaks down at one point.  Husbands are not called to make sure that our wives find their ultimate joy in us.  We are never in a position to “remove a lampstand”.  But we are encouraged to pursue our joy in their joy in Jesus.  May such a pursuit be done with knowledge. 

The Blinding Effect of Woundedness

In Tim Keller’s book on marriage, The Meaning of Marriage, he explains the effect that woundedness has on us.  It makes us self-absorbed.  It’s easy to think of other people when reading this quote.  But truth is, it’s pointing right at me:

Woundedness makes us self absorbed…This is not hard to see in others, of course. When you begin to talk to wounded people, it is not long before they begin talking about themselves. They’re so engrossed in their own pain and problems that they don’t realize what they look like to others. They are not sensitive to the needs of others. They don’t pick up the cues of those who are hurting, or, if they do, they only do so in a self-involved way. That is, they do so with a view of helping to “rescue” them in order to feel better about themselves. They get involved with others in an obsessive and controlling way because they are actually meeting their own needs, though they deceive themselves about this. We are always, always the last to see our self-absorption. Our hurts and wounds can make our self-centeredness even more intractable. When you point out selfish behavior to a wounded person, he or she will say, ‘Well, maybe so, but you don’t understand what it is like”. The wounds justify the behavior.  (Keller, The Meaning of Marriage)

This applies to far more than just marriage.  I’m convinced that the only way out of such a self-absorption is to fervently turn our heads away from our wounds and believe that these little deaths are swallowed up in the victory won by the stripes of the Suffering Servant. 

His wounds and not mine are what define me. 

Husbands, What Is Your Goal For Your Wife?

As you think about your answer to that question consider the goal that Jesus has for his bride.  In Ephesians 5:25 we read that “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.  In verses 26-27 we see the reason why.  The sacrifice of Christ for His bride had an end in mind:

…that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

The goal that the Lord has for his bride is her sanctification.  But notice in verse 27 the words “so that”.  Even her purity has a goal; namely, that she might be presented to Him without blemish—that she might be holy before him.  If one considers the thrust of the Old Testament and the reasons for purity it is not a leap to say that the reason why Christ purifies His bride is for the sake of an unhindered relationship with her. 

This is much the same thing that Romans 8:28 is referring to when Paul says that, “all things work together for good”.  In the context of Romans and in light of such passages as Psalm 16 we know that our greatest good is conformity to Christ.  Our greatest joy is found in having an unhindered fellowship with the One of whom it is said, “In your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” 

Christ fights for the joy of His wife by helping her find joy and satisfaction that is as deep and lasting as that found in Psalm 16:11.

What This Means For Husbands

After considering the sacrifice of Christ in securing the joy of His bride Paul says in Ephesians 5:28, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself”. 

Does Paul mean that just as Christ fights to secure His Bride’s joy in Himself so husbands ought to fight to make sure that their wives find their joy in themselves?  Of course not.  That would be idolatry. 

What Paul is saying is that husbands find their joy in the joy of their wife.  If we think that the greatest joy they will find is in ourselves we profoundly rip them off.  No, we must have the same goal as Jesus; namely, that their joy is as deep and lasting as Psalm 16:11.  Anything else is not a high enough goal.  And the miracle of Ephesians 5:28-32 is that as we nourish and cherish our wives in such a way that they find lasting satisfaction in Jesus we also find our own joy. 

Men, may our goal for our wives be as big as Jesus. 

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For a really good sermon on a similar concept check out this one by John Piper: No One Can Take Your Joy.

Why Your Prayers May Be Hindered

I preached on this text last night:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
(1 Peter 3:7 ESV)

It’s sad that for many our first response to this text is to be chaffed because Peter refers to the woman as the “weaker vessel”.  And in some ways I understand that because guys can be jerks and use texts like this one to promote their insecure theology.  Yet if we aren’t careful we’ll neuter the beauty of this text because of our 21st century chaffing. 

I like what Robert Rayburn says about the meaning of “weaker vessel”:

Remember weaker" is being used in a context. A ming vase is weaker than a five dollar hammer; a Rembrandt canvas is weaker than a razor blade; and Mother Teresa was weaker than Mike Tyson! Peter is not talking about comparative worth, he is speaking of the reason why men have a special responsibility, laid upon them by their Creator, to show a particular regard for women and their wives in particular. It was not so long ago, even in secular Western societies that a man's manhood was judged according to the way in which he protected and provided for the women in his life. Only a feminist ideologue surveying the wreckage of American society can really believe that the abandonment of this viewpoint has improved the lot of women and children.

Wives are a treasure that are given to husbands to nurture and care for.  The Lord loves His daughters so much that He promises if we do not treat them with the care we ought it will hinder our prayer life. 

I’ve known men (including myself) that have felt a darkness and a separation in our prayer life with the Lord.  I have felt my ability to pray (not to mention preach and write) hindered.  It’s like there is this big fat rock that stands between me and the Lord. 

At times I’ve been so foolish as to think what I really need to do to remove this rock of separation is to get uber-spiritual.  Perhaps if I fast.  Maybe I just need to read a book on prayer.  Possibly a little time alone in the Word will remove this rock.  When in reality I just need to stop being a bear to my wife.  Maybe what needs to happen is that rather than sit in my office and pray about this separation and mourn the distance I need to go home and repent of my attitude and lack of nurturing of my wife. 

What is really interesting is that if we are praying for our wives to change and yet we are not treating them with honor, tenderness, and understanding our prayers will be hindered.  And they will be hindered until we actually begin treating them with honor, tenderness, and understanding.  What is really crazy about this though is that our repentance before our wives may just be the means that God uses to answer our prayers for her. 

It’s not always the case that feelings of distance in our relationship with the Lord is because we have been blowing it as husbands.  But this is one of the few things in Scripture that the Lord promises will hinder our prayers.  And so if we feel a distance there it would do us well to analyze our level of tenderness towards our wives. 

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As a side note to our married female readers.  Consider how much the Lord loves you that He would cause a hindrance in His relationship with your husband because your hubby is not nurturing you.  God cares for you mightily, so much that He rips up the conscience of us men until we begin treating you the way that we ought.