My Children Hear Voices

I hope that when my children are older they hear voices. And I hope those voices proclaim the gospel to them.

My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. –Proverbs 6:20-22

This verse teaches us a very important principle; namely, our children will carry our teaching with them. Or at least they will have to actively deal with them at some point. Knowing that my children will carry around my voice (and their mother’s) with them for all the days of their life is a humbling truth.

I pray that when my children are out making decisions on their own that the voice they hear from us is grounded in the gospel. God has graciously given us parents, disciplers, pastors, etc. to give us another voice in our head that is not our own. We need that voice. And we need that voice to be saying the same thing as the voice of God.

As a daddy Proverbs 6 challenges me to continuously speak the gospel to my kids. It urges me to tell them who God is and what godliness looks like. When my children are older and faced with decisions that require wisdom I hope that they hear the voice of mom and dad saying something like, “What does God say”? And then I hope that they are equipped with knowing God’s Word.

Your children will hear voices when they grow up. We determine whether they will be biblical or not.

Baseball, Streaking, and the Christian Life

At one point this season, Royals centerfielder Lorenzo Cain had a 12 for 18 streak. That streak* was filled with homeruns, doubles, and more than one clutch RBI. When interviewed during this streak, Cain commented that the ball was coming to him looking like a beach ball. His comment got me thinking about living the Christian life.

I’ve actually experienced the beach-ball effect. At one point during my senior year of high school (the last year I played hardball) I had a similar streak to Cain’s. As I watched the ball come to the plate it seemed to grow at the same rate as the Grinch’s heart. It’s easy to hit a baseball when you see it this clearly.

I’m not in the major leagues.

That is because for the most part I’m a terrible hitter. Typically the ball looks like a deflated ping pong ball. And that (among other things) is what separates me from major league stars. Any schmuck can hit a ball when it looks three sizes too big. What separates the big boys of summer from the mustard-stained amigo on the couch is how you hit when the ball is normal—or even when it appears smaller than normal.

3 Lessons From the Beach Ball

I believe you could use this analogy for a number of things. You could talk about pastoring in the difficult times, parenting when your kids seem like monkeys hopped up on energy drinks, being a good friend when your buddy is a jerk, or remaining faithful as a spouse when times get really tough. You can apply it many ways. Here are three general lessons that I draw from the beach ball.

1. It’s not the hot streaks but the day to day faithfulness to Jesus that will define me. The world might view us based upon our best day or on our worst day. But the Lord (and history) seems to view the entire trajectory of our lives. If I’m amazing at being a husband for three months after attending a seminar, but I’m a terrible specimen of a man the other nine months I’ll be defined as a husband that blew it.
2. How I respond in the cold streaks matter. If I give up and wait until the beach ball moments come back I’ve blown it. I think about this with writing. Sometimes it comes with ease. Other times it feels like I can’t even write my name. Yet I keep plodding along.
3. Am I taking advantage of those beach balls? Listen if the Lord gives you an overflow of grace you had better use it up. It’s like manna—it’s meant for today. If the ball feels like a beach ball don’t stand at the plate with the bat on your shoulder looking for a walk, get after it. You know that the streak won’t last—that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take advantage of it. Some people can’t enjoy the view from the mountain because they see the valley right around the corner.

If you’re having a beach ball experience then enjoy it and use it for God’s glory. If things are coming a little more difficult keep plodding along. Take heart in knowing that the most important aspect of your faith is it’s unchanging object.

Keep on swinging whether it looks like a beach ball or not.
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*Did you think I meant a different type of streaking? Silly rabbit…

Should I Let My Son Have a “Jesus” Mii?

I felt like Athanasius this morning.

My wife and I were attempting to navigate the choppy waters of Trinitarian theology with our five year old son. A couple days ago he discovered the Mii Channel where you can download other mii’s that people have created. One of them was of “Jesus”. He wants to import that mii so that he can play with Jesus.

What is a parent to do?

Isaiah told us that he wanted to download the mii because he loves Jesus and wants Jesus to be able to play the Wii with him. I mean how does that not just melt your heart and make you want to cave? But we didn’t.

Our son had just been learning about the 10 Commandments (thanks to The Gospel Project). And so we started by looking at the one about not making a carved image. I explained to him that the reason we aren’t to do something like that is because God is so much bigger than any picture that we could ever draw. We cannot create something to image God. And we feared that if we had a “Jesus” mii then he would be on the same plane as his SpongeBob mii, his Wolverine mii, and his Isaiah mii.

We also figured that it might be a little silly to have Jesus jumping over barrels, or getting bonked in the head with a big mallet when we played Wii Party. We didn’t want to make Jesus too small in our minds.

But there is that whole incarnation thing…

That all sounds great and theologically sound but it hit me that I probably wasn’t giving enough weight to the incarnation. I want Isaiah to know that Jesus did become a man and does perfectly image God. He did become fully human and so in some way it might be appropriate to give him a mii just like everyone else can have a mii. And is it really so blasphemous to picture our Lord running in a race?

The implications of the incarnation makes things a little more difficult. That Jesus really is fully human and this probably means that he not only enters into the suffering our world but also the joy of it. Maybe Jesus does need a mii.

But I also didn’t want to minimize Jesus. He’s more than something that can be captured on the Wii. I don’t want Jesus to just be one of the guys. He’s more than just “my homeboy”. I want Isaiah to know that Jesus is there with him in every moment and can transform everything even our playing of the Wii.

So at the end of the day mommy and daddy decided against the idea. At the age of five we felt that it’s probably more important to really embed in his mind that Jesus is quantitatively different than everything/everyone else. He’s above it all—even in His incarnation. Isaiah was sad but I think he understood.

What would you have said? Would you let your children have a “Jesus” mii? Why or why not?

How to Teach a Little Boy to Not Take Himself So Seriously

I watched this clip earlier today:

I’ve played Xbox with people like this before. Their joy is contagious. Their giddiness transcends the game itself and makes you want to enter into their happiness. I want to be this guy when I’m 84 (actually when I’m 34--which isn’t far away). And I want my son to be this guy too. That has me wondering what I can do not only in my own life but also in the life of my son to teach him not to take himself so seriously.

Here’s what I’ve come up with. To the veteran dads that have cultivated the grace of a good time in the life of their children I could use your help…

1. Be that guy myself. Joy like that is caught better than taught. I’m guessing that if my children see me enjoying life that way they will join in on the fun.
2. Ground his identity in Christ. I don’t know if this old dude is a believer or not. But I do know that this type of joy ultimately comes from Jesus. It comes from learning that our identity isn’t in video game performance or any other performance.
3. Cultivate a culture of grace. When Isaiah gets upset at a video game the worse thing I could do is beat him over the head with the law because he doesn’t “get grace”. Grace conquers anger and pride not the law.
4. Community help. In order to sustain joy like this in myself and also teach it to my son, I am convinced that it will come through a community of grace. Friends like my buddy Mike—who just loves to have fun—are vital in this.

Anything you’d like to add?

Jesus Loves Our Space Invaders

I have a coffee mug (more a Mountain Dew mug since I’m not yet man enough to drink coffee) sitting on my desk.  It’s very special to me because of the artwork on it.  It has a heart, the letter I, something that looks like a dinosaur or maybe Vermont, I think some space invaders, a purple blob and an equals sign. 

I think it’s supposed to say “I love you daddy”.  But instead I think it says purple blob equals deformed dinosaur, I heart space invaders.  I’m confident the artwork on this will never be featured in the Louvre.  Let’s be honest the artwork is terrible. 

You know my response when I was handed this coffee mug, don’t you?

I didn’t say, “Son, this work that you’ve done here is quite ridiculous.  What is that purple blob?  Is that supposed to be a dinosaur?  Because it doesn’t look like one.  Is this some sort of sorry excuse for abstract art?  Do you really expect me to put this on my desk and use this so that people can actually see it?  You really ought to know better than trying art.  You are four years old.  And you have clearly shown from this little artistic endeavor that art is not your forte.  Now go to your room and give me something that is actually of respectable quality for my birthday.  I’m ashamed to call you my son.”

Yeah, that hurt to even type.  It’s ridiculous to think that even the worst of dads would respond in such a way. 

Then why do we think God views His children differently? 

Because He is holy?  Because His standards are much higher than ours?  Because He cannot look upon sin, and everything we do is tainted with sin and our righteous deeds are like filthy rags? 

And so somehow those truths make God a worse dad than I am?  Nah, I don’t think so.  I agree with Kevin DeYoung when he says,

…for those who have been made right with God by grace alone through faith alone and therefore have been adopted into God’s family, many of our righteous deeds are not only not filthy in God’s eyes, they are exceedingly sweet, precious, and pleasing to him.  (DeYoung, The Hole in our Holiness, 70)

I don’t expect my four year old to create for me a masterpiece.  But I know that every little stroke of that wobbly paintbrush was out of love for his daddy.  And so I love my deformed dinosaur and my space invaders.  When Isaiah handed me this mug, I did what every decent adult does when handed artwork of this caliber from a four-year-old.  I treasured it.  I put it on display. I found that which was really good in it, I highlighted it, and I showered him with thanks and appreciation. 

“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.  For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.” 

Just as a very flawed earthly father knows to show compassion to his little boy, so our perfect Father knows our frame.  Isn’t it possible that the Lord takes our wobbly efforts and pins them on his celestial refrigerator?  How wonderful it is that though we are but dust the Lord takes great delight in our not yet fully redeemed, still flawed, and still tainted expressions of love! 

Let’s go lovingly paint the best deformed dinosaurs that we know how. 

The Soul of the House

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down (Proverbs 14:1)

Commenting on this passage Charles Bridges says:

…the wife [is] a blessing or a curse to her husband.  Such is she to his house.  Her wisdom may supply many of his defects; while all the results of his care and prudence may be wasted by her folly.  The godly matron is the very soul of the house.  She instructs her children by her example, no less than by her teachings.  She educates them for God and for eternity; not to shine in the vain show of the world, but in the Church of God…

But mark the foolish woman—her idleness, waste, love of pleasure, want of all forethought and care, her children’s wills allowed, their souls neglected, their happiness ruined!  We see her house plucked down in confusion.  A sad issue, if an enemy had done this!  But it is the doing, or rather undoing, of her own hands.  In proportion to her power and influence is the capability of family mischief…

In other words the influence of the woman is very great as it concerns the spirit of the home.  It’s no wonder then that Bridges went on to say, “What responsibility then belongs to the marriage choice, linked with the highest interests of unborn generations!” 

Wives, pursue wisdom and drink deeply from the fountain of grace.  Husbands, nurture your wives.  Future wives, don’t wait for marriage to get wisdom.  Pursue it now.  Future husbands, look for a woman that is pursuing God and His wisdom.  

Faithful Fathers Make War

And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell, ‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’ (Mark 9:43-48 ESV)

When dads don’t take sin serious they make the Savior look less than precious.  Faithful fathers will take sin seriously by making war on the flesh.  Christ is more precious than feet, hands, eyes, and anything else we could value.  Yet if we treat our sin as worthy of protection and hide them from the penetrating gaze of the jealous God we communicate to our children that God is less than these. 

Dads, make war!

10 Tips for Destroying Your Children’s Souls

“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. (Mark 9:42 ESV)

This was part of the text that I am preaching on Sunday morning—Father’s day.  The above text is actually more about not being the means by which disciples falter, but with it being Father’s day it made me think through even more pointedly how the verse relates to being a daddy.  It goes without saying that I do not desire the destruction of my children.  One because I love them.  Two because a millstone seems like a really uncomfortable necklace—especially for swimming in the sea. 

If you, however, think a millstone necklace would be fashionable attire here are 10 ways that you can work towards making your children stumble and turn away from Jesus.  In no particular order

1. Be an unrepentant hypocrite.  We all have elements of hypocrisy.  It’s when we are unrepentant in our hypocrisy that it becomes deadly.
2. Display with your life and lips that things are more precious than Christ.  The thing you pick can be as insignificant as parking spaces or as significant as a large house.  It doesn’t matter.  Set something other than Christ as your affection and you are well on your way to shopping for a new millstone. 
3. Neglect teaching.  Leave it up to the Sunday school teacher, the television, their peers, or favorite musician and you can start picking out millstone colors. 
4. Don’t pray for them.  Discipleship is a work of God.  Your own sanctification as well as that of your children demands a prayerful life.
5. Be silent in times of danger.  You wouldn’t let little Sally have a tea party on a freeway but will you let her give her heart to an unbeliever?  You probably won’t let junior have a pet cobra but do you let him be saturated with the not so subtle advances of our sex-crazed culture?   
6. Be loud in times of pain.  Read Job’s counselors if you want to know how best to get in line for a millstone around your neck.  Counsel your children with truth wrongly applied and see what happens to their souls. 
7. Preach moralism instead of the gospel.  Father’s are not only called to teach their children right from wrong they are also called to point them to the Savior.  Teach your kid the rules without a relationship and you’ll be sucking down salt-water instead of air in no time. 
8. Live in disunity with their mother.  You model Christ.  Abandon your wife, neglect your wife, dishonor your wife, become apathetic toward your wife, and your preaching a really bad gospel to your kids.
9. Model spiritual independence.  If you don’t need the church then it doesn’t matter how many times you drag little Johnny to it when he’s but a tot.  Once he gets wheels he’s going the way of daddy.  By the way this is a call for more than just showing up at church on Sunday.  The word “need” is italicized for a reason.
10. Help them establish an identity in anything other than Christ.   Convince them that they are amazing or worthless it doesn’t matter—just make sure their identity isn’t found in Christ.  

There you have it.  Do these 10 things and you’ll secure your reservation in Davey Jones’ locker. 

Actually the word “unrepentant” could be added to any of these.  If you find that you have totally blown it—or even moderately blow it—in these areas take heart, Christ is a great savior.  Repent.  Turn around.  Believe the gospel, and make war on these millstone earning behaviors; because faithful fathers also make war! 

A Disciple, Husband, Daddy, Pastors Confession of Need for Gospel Joy

…how greatly would they prize the gospel, which alone can support us in the day of trouble, or even enable us to find satisfaction in a state of prosperity!  (John Newton in a Letter to the Rev. William Howell)

It takes the gospel to sustain you in a day of trouble.  You passed over that statement didn’t you?  It’s a duh.  It’s a sentence that you skim.  You may forget that at times, but for the most part in the midst of “trouble” you know that the only thing that will sustain you is the gospel. 

It takes the gospel to enable you to find satisfaction in a state of prosperity.  If you are like me, this statement causes you to pause.  Maybe I am extra sensitive to this statement because of something the Lord is doing in my life right now.  At present I am feeling some of the bitter fruit of a self-absorbed and cold heart. 

My legalism, techniques, and biblical principles only last for so long.  I’ve been exposed.  It is with great pain that I have had to confess something that has long bubbled in the darkness.  I do not love my wife and children, as I ought.  They know this.  They feel this.  I know this.  I feel this. 

Of course I do love my wife and children more than I do anyone else.  But they do not need me to love them more than grapefruit or some drunken uncle.  I am called to love my kids with a God the Father type love and to love my wife with a Jesus sacrificing type of love.  I’m called by God to delight in my family. 

And that is where I am broken.  I could do duty.  I can buy flowers.  I can follow the 10 steps to discipling your children.  I can tell them about Jesus.  I can read the Bible with my wife.  I can hang out and watch television.  I can, for the most part, fake it.  But what I cannot make myself do is truly delight in them the way the Lord calls me to.   

That stinks. It exposes my heart.  Part of the consequence of my rebellion is that I have a numb heart that seems to only be slowly growing in Jesus.  I have a really hard time enjoying sunsets.  You show me a rose and my eyes gravitate to the thorn.  I want this redeemed. 

All of this is why Newton’s words here stopped me dead in my tracks.  I’ve been battling this for a long time.  I cannot seem to make myself have joy and to treasure and enjoy the things that I ought.  I try to do stuff but I know in my heart that I’m not really being a joyful giver.  It’s empty. 

I daily feel these words of Augustine.  Not only as it relates to God but also to my family:

I was astonished that although I now loved you…I did not persist in enjoyment of my God.  Your beauty drew me to you, but soon I was dragged away from you by my own weight and in dismay I plunged again into the things of this world…as though I had sensed the fragrance of the fare but was not yet able to eat it.

And so I pray…

Lord, captivate my heart.  I want to enjoy Your roses.  I want to enjoy Your sunsets.  I want to enjoy the children that You have given me.  I want to enjoy the wife that You have given to me.  Not with some vague worldly love like a drunken guy with mustard stains on his wife-beater cheering for the Red Sox, but with a love that springs from your radiant love.  Make my love beautiful.  I know the gospel sustains me in darkness, open my eyes to the gospel provision of joy.  Awaken my dullness.

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When this article posts I will be in TN with my wife celebrating our anniversary.  I realize the “irony” of posting this on my anniversary.  But it actually shows the value of marriage.  I doubt this would be a battle that I was fighting if I lived in my mom’s basement playing XBox 360 all day.  This is a battle because of love.  This is part of the reason God gave me my wife to enjoy.  He uses her for my holiness (and vice versa).  I am eternally grateful for her in my life.  God is using her to root out sin and unbelief and replace it with real God-honoring joy. 

Idol Destruction 101 Part 6

Idol destruction does not take place by slavishly and morbidly looking to yourself and your surrender of these idols.  Yet, it is fundamentally God that does battle with our idols.  He does destroy them.  One of the means that God uses to destroy our idols is a Spirit-directed exposing of our idols and a Spirit-inspired exaltation of all that is ours in Christ.  That sounds good but what does that look like practically?

A Couple Quotes Before the Practical

Thomas Chalmers once said, “The true way to facilitate self-examination is to look believingly outwardly.”  Robert Murray McCheyne picked this up and quipped his famous saying:

"Learn much of the Lord Jesus. For every look at yourself take ten looks at Christ. He is altogether lovely . . . . Live much in the smiles of God. Bask in his beams. Feel his all-seeing eye settled on you in love. And repose in his almighty arms."

For every look at self take 10 looks to Christ.  Yes, this is the way to destroy idols.  Yes, this is the way to captivate our affections and destroy our idols.  To believingly look outward makes idols melt like wax against the radiant beauty of the Lord Jesus.  What then does it look like to “take 10 looks to Christ”?  What does exposing idols look like?  What does it mean to exalt the fullness of Christ?

A Scenario

I had a somewhat rough day at the office.  It was one of those days when my list of “to-do’s” grew instead of shrunk.  Every time I would begin a project and try to complete something that I need to get done the phone would ring and another something was added to my list of things to do. 

Though my day seemed like I moved backwards, 5:00 still rolls around and my wife and kids are expecting me home for dinner.  All of the burdens of the day are still on my back but I know that I need to shake them off so that I am home when I’m at home.  I want to be emotionally and spiritually present whenever I am physically present.  That is something that I have been working on. 

I pull into the driveway and I am immediately hit with crying children and a frazzled wife.  Apparently I am not the only one that has had a difficult day.  It becomes obvious to me fairly early on that my hopes of a fun-filled and stress-free evening is dashed.  My angelic children have been overtaken by what appears to be a legion of demons—or at least that is what it seems like to a discouraged daddy. 

What do I do?  I’m empty.  I’m burned out.  I need to re-energize.  I really NEED a stress-free evening.  That isn’t happening.  Relaxing will not be an option on this evening.  Perhaps around 11:30 I can catch a few relaxing moments before I enter into restless sleep and then begin to play catch-up again tomorrow. 

Truth be told I’m angry.  I’m angry that things are so busy, I’m angry that I can’t relax like I want to.  I’m angry that my imaginary night has been hi-jacked by reality.  I try to hide my anger.  I try to play the role of super dad and super husband but I just hit a wall.  My anger shows.  I’m sharp with the kids.  I’m distant from my wife.  All I’m really thinking about are those 15 minutes of relaxation at sometime around 11:30. 

A Solution

Of course that is an imaginary situation.  I hear that some husbands and fathers can struggle with those types of things.  Not me.  I’m a pastor, seminary student, writer, and all around super Christian.  But for your sake I’ll imagine that I actually do struggle with the above scenario and that it has played out more than once in my life. 

The above scenario is an idolatry problem.  It’s a worship problem.  If I want to see my anger repented of, healed, corrected, and ultimately changed then I need to get real with what is causing the anger.  It is suicidal idolatry.  A false god has sold me a lie and I bought it.  Hook.  Line.  Sinker.  I swallowed the whole stupid thing.  

What happened that night?  What was really going on in my heart?  I had an idol of comfort and control.  I wanted to be in charge of my day.  I want things easy.  I want to be a good parent and a good husband.  But mostly I want those things to be easy. 

Remember our task in idol destruction is to expose the emptiness of idols and to exalt His fullness at their expense.  So I do that by getting real with what this idol is promising.  I write down it’s marketing pitch.

Comfort: You work hard, Mike.  You are tired and you are exhausted.  You have a right to relax when you come home.  You need to be re-energized and we know that the best way for you do that is to disengage and just chill out.  If people cannot understand that they are working against you and the plan of God for your life.  You have every right to be righteously angry and indignant that circumstances are ruining the awesome plans that God has for you.

The Gospel: Jesus has already accomplished everything that you need.  Your to-do list doesn’t matter as much to God as His DONE list.  You have been given the Holy Spirit.  You have everything you need for life and godliness.  He will re-energize you.  Yes, God has given you the gift of sleep.  But He is also Lord of your circumstances.  There is not one square inch of your life that does not belong to Him.  And there is not one square inch of your life that He is not in the process of redeeming and transforming for your joy and His glory.  Those things that you think are “ruining” God’s plan for you actually ARE God’s plan for you.  Trust Him—He is radically dedicated to your joy in Him. 

Suddenly the fleeting pleasures of a comfortable night of disengaging in front of a television screen do not seem as appealing.  Christ is calling me to more deep and lasting joy than a “comfortable night”.  Not only this but He has promised and provided for me the power to be “re-energized” by the very things that I thought were standing in my way of joy.  My grouchy kids (and this grouchy dad) aren’t hurdles to be leapt over on the path to my couch.  These are opportunities to see grace shine and to delight in the Savior. 

All I did in the above scenario is take a look at myself and discover that I do fall short, I am prone to anger, I do believe stupid promises of false comfort, and I mess up as a husband and daddy.  But I feast upon and camp out under the promises of Christ on my behalf.  I take one look at my sin—I’m not surprised by it—and I abhor it.  But rather than trying to get rid of it for the sake of having a relationship with Jesus I preach the gospel to myself; I expose the emptiness of the idol next to the unblushing promises that are mine in Christ Jesus. 

There is still one amazing Spurgeon quote and a little summary…

Quick Review of A Quest for Comfort by William Boekestein

Baptist do not tend to do catechisms.  I don’t know why.  We should.  One particular catechism that is well written and quite helpful (though perhaps with a few baptistic tweaks) is the Heidelberg Catechism.  I knew very little about the catechism until I read The Good News We Almost Forgot by Kevin DeYoung.  Reading through this made me consider going through such a catechism.  As of now we are using Children’s Desiring God material for weekly Bible studies.  But that catechism remains in the back of my mind.

The Heidelberg Catechism and it’s benefits were brought to forefront of my mind again when I received a copy of William Boekestein’s latest children’s book The Quest for Comfort.  This children’s book chronicles the lives of the three men instrumental in writing the Heidelberg Catechism: Caspar Olevianus, Zacharias Ursinus, and Frederick III. 

You may be wondering who in their right mind would write a children’s book about three guys hardly nobody has heard of that wrote a little book that few people use anymore.  Boekestein offers a defense on the final page of the book saying, “this is no ordinary document, and the record of its birth is anything but boring”.  Boekestein then goes on to defend the importance of the Heidelberg Catechism. 

Previously I had reviewed Boekestein’s earlier children’s book; Faithfulness Under Fire.  In that review I noted that some of the material and some of the pictures might be a little too much for some children.  In this particular book there is very little that might fall into that category.  There is a picture of teenagers “drowning” but there isn’t much else that would provide such a caution. 

This book aims at teaching “us that deeply held beliefs and profound theological truths are worthy of the difficulties often faced defending them”.  Our children need to know that.  They need to be brought up knowing that there are some truths that are so precious they are worth fighting and even dying for.  This book helps children to discover that our “quest for comfort” often follows a road filled with suffering, but God is faithful and His gospel is worth it. 

Should You Buy It?

I may encourage a few families in our church (myself included) to begin going through the Heidelberg Catechism with their children.  If I do this I will certainly suggest that they read this children’s book with their kids first.  I know that my son would enjoy the book and would like to know the people behind the catechism that we are studying. 

You can buy it for only $7.50 and it is a great book to add to your family library. 

You may also want to read my review of Faithfulness Under Fire and also an interview that William kindly agreed to do with me. 

Review of Secure Daughters, Confident Sons by Glenn T. Stanton

Men and women are different. 

You know that already.  Some believe men and women are different because of social constructs that are left over residue from mindless and primitive culture.  Others, like Glenn T. Stanton, believe that these differences are genetic.  As such, a proper understanding of manhood and womanhood is essential to raising children.  It is with this belief that Secure Daughters and Confident Sons was written.  As Stanton says our goal in parenting is to, “raise daughters secure in their femininity and sons confident in their masculinity”. 

Throughout the book Stanton considers the differences between men and women (both mom and dad and boy and girl).  The first part of the book Stanton seeks to give a clear vision of biblical manhood and womanhood.  In the second half he practically explores the implications of these gender differences on various aspects of parenting and life, including discipline, sex, empathy, and play. 

Each chapter ends with a few questions and answers.  And the book also has a helpful appendix consulting the sciences on differences between men and women.  Stanton, taking over for James Dobson, is ever bit the social psychologist that Dobson was.  He grounds much of his points in social research while reflecting on Scripture.

The Intention

In a moment I will share a few things that I believe are missing that could have made this book far more beneficial.  In doing that, though, I want to be fair and thus carefully read and review the book on its own terms.  I must consider Stanton’s claims for the books.  What did he hope to accomplish?  It appears to me that his chief aim in this book is to defend the reality of gender differences, show how they actually benefit, as well as show how it takes manhood and womanhood to raise secure daughters and confident sons.  He wants to defend his major thesis that “raising secure daughters and confident sons is, by definition, gender-distinct work.

What I Appreciate

There is much that I appreciate about this book.  First, one cannot read this book without coming away with the idea that both mom and dad are vital to parenting a child.  Of course this may be discouraging for single parent families.  But it may also dispel the silly myth that women need men like a fish needs a bicycle (or vice versa). 

Secondly, I learned a good deal.  I think a good amount that can be learned and gleaned from the social sciences that Stanton uses can be very beneficial in parenting.  It is really wonderful to hear stories of other parents and children and be able to say, “ohhhhh, that’s why he’s/she’s doing that”.  It can also be beneficial to know that part of spousal differences in parenting really goes back to gender differences. 

Lastly, I am thankful for Stanton’s work and his courage in standing against a growing cultural tide against what Scripture teaches about men and women.  I am thankful that Stanton is standing against the tide and saying—“hey men and women are different, they are different for a reason, and that is a good thing.  Men and Women are both necessary in raising a child”.  I echo the sentiment of Dr. Mohler who says, “I am thankful for his conviction and his courage”.

The Missing

In the first two chapters Stanton lists various masculine traits and feminine traits.  Those these qualities will manifest themselves in different ways and though they may be stronger in some than in others, yet they still help us to distinctly understand what it means to be male/female. 

In my mind this begs a question: are these “masculine” or “feminine” traits part of the Created order or from the Fall? 

I think it can be faithfully argued from Scripture that God did indeed make male and female different.  Anatomy teaches us this much.  But are all (or any) of these characteristics part of the Created order or is it possible that they are from the Fall?  I believe that Stanton is rightly observing men and women as they are.  But because he is not able to (or at least doesn’t) ground these characteristics in creation we are not certain that this is the way that men/women should be.  Just because this is how a vast majority of men and women are it does not mean this is how they ought to be.

And this is where I feel books such as this are fundamentally lacking.  The heart is very deceitful and if moms and dads are not gospel-informed they can easily mask sin behind claims of “this is who I am”.  We can also easily miss opportunities leading our children to the gospel because we wrongly assume that little Billy’s aggression is more a result of his maleness rather than his fallenness.  While it is a worthwhile and noble goal to raise secure daughters and confident sons—at the end of the day we want our daughters to be secure in Christ and our sons to be confident in the Lord. 

I do not think that Stanton would disagree with the above sentiment.  I believe that Stanton loves the Lord and wants to see the gospel promoted.  Certainly biblical manhood and womanhood is key in reflecting the glory of a Triune God.  God made male and female different for a reason.  Part of living out the gospel is reflecting the unity in Christ through our diversity of gender.  I believe Stanton would agree with this and would say that his book helps in this regard.  Yet, at the end of the day in reading through Secure Daughters and Confident Sons I do not see the gospel proclamation and pointing to Christ that could have buttressed what is –or could be--a very helpful book. 

Conclusion

I am at a loss as it concerns recommending this book.  Part of me wants to give a stamp of approval.  The other part of me wants to tell you to spend your money elsewhere.  There is a good amount in this book that can assist a mom or dad in seeing how differences in gender impact their children as well as their parenting.  There are also many helpful tips that will potentially create more unity between moms and dads.  As I stated earlier I also want to recommend the book because I agree with its fundamental thesis and its emphasis on the necessity of both mom and dad.  If this book inspired more intentional parenting between men and women then I am all for it.  However, I also think that the gospel may be merely or assumed in this book—or worse yet is eclipsed by a misdirected focus. 

At the end of the day I am left with saying if you are looking for a book that will give you eyes to see how things are then this book will be helpful.  But if you are looking for a book inspiring you, motivating you, and assisting you in living out the gospel and how things should be then I think there may be other parenting books that help a little more. 

I got this book free from Multnomah in exchange for a review.  You can buy the book for around 10 bucks. 

Review of Everyday Talk by Jay Younts

“What is the most powerful human influence in your child’s life?”  That is the question that begins John Younts’ book Everyday Talk.  As you can certainly guess from the title of the book Younts would answer the above question by saying that “The most powerful personal influence in your child’s life is everyday talk”. 

We all experience everyday talk.  The question then becomes what does our everyday talk display.  Does our everyday talk display the truth about the glory and splendor of God or does our everyday talk convey lies to our children about who God is?  Younts hopes that this book will encourage parents to consider their everyday talk and see it redeemed by the power of the gospel.

The book is consists of fourteen relatively short chapters.  The chapters cover everything from how we talk about the gospel, to how we talk about sex and music.  Some chapters are more practical and others are more theological.  At the end of each chapter there are helpful application questions—thus making this an ideal book for a group of dads to get together and consider. 

My Take

I appreciate what John Younts does in this book.  It encouraged me to stop and consider the effect that even “casual” complaining about the rain would have on my children’s view of God and the world.  Certainly, this book helps parents to understand the heavy responsibility that God places upon parents.  We are prime influencers in our children’s lives—even if many influence their children more by their absence and disengagement than anything else.  I appreciate that Younts raises the bar to the place that Scripture does. 
I also appreciate the practicality of Younts book.  He gives wonderful illustrations of how our everyday talk can actually undermine the gospel.  I was rebuked—and at the same time helped—several times when I found my own speech in the categories of gospel undermining.  It so easy to slip into foolish talk. 

Younts helps us to see that our everyday talk “teaches your functional understanding of the gospel to your children.”  He then asks the penetrating question, “Does your everyday talk center upon grace or performance?”  After encouraging us to listen to our children to determine what they believe about the gospel, Younts then lists several examples that reflects a performance-based understanding of the gospel instead of an understanding that is based upon grace.  Here are a few examples Younts lists:

Mommy, I’m sorry I make you angry.
Daddy, I won’t do it again.
Why is everybody mad at me?
Do you think God is mad at me?
He hurt me, so I hit him back.
I’ll be good, I promise.  Please don’t be mad at me.
I guess I am just not good enough.
Mommy, I just can’t do it.  I try but I just can’t.

These rip your heart out.  I have not heard our children (well Isaiah—Hannah only grunts at this point) yet echo these statements.  But I have taken Younts’ advice and listened to how he speak about the gospel.  At times I do detect a legal understanding of the gospel.  That does not surprise me but Younts’ work has opened up my eyes to avenues for gospel proclamation. 

One Critique

At the end of the book Younts makes this statement, “The challenge is great.  The power of God is even greater.”  Phrases like this needed to be highlighted throughout the entire book.  It seems, though, that Younts assumes a gospel-centrality in the parents reading this book.  I could easily see many parents (myself included) read through each chapter of the book and then begin a holy quest to “work on” that chapter’s topic.  I would have loved to have seen more instruction to parents in how to apply the gospel in their own hearts—which would infuse our everyday talk with the message of Christ. 

This book is hard hitting and has several really great points.  Younts is, I believe, correct in most everything he encourages mom and dad to do.  We must see our everyday talk redeemed.  That much is true.  But mom and dad need grace just as much as junior.   

I would have liked to have seen every chapter end with encouraging parents in the completed work of Jesus on their behalf.  But as it stands most chapters end with probing questions meant to ask you, “are you blowing it”?  Of course the answer is yes in most of these categories.  As sinners we will fall in everyone of these areas.  The question is how do we confess to our children our lack of faithful everyday talk?  How do we as parents soak up grace? 

This book is very beneficial and with a little supplement can be an extremely helpful assistant to parents.  But if any pastor or leader is taking a group of men or women through this book it would be beneficial for them to be intentional about buttressing the chapter with the freedom and grace found in the gospel of Christ. 

Conclusion:

This book is very helpful and very practical.  It does help parents learn how to teach the gospel to their children using everyday talk.  Yes, I wish it would have been a little more intentional in reminding mom and dad that their rescue is found in Christ.  But at the end of the day—if parents heed this one caution—I think many will benefit from the help this book offers.  Our everyday talk does need to be redeemed and this book serves as a healthy reminder and a helpful assistant in redeeming just that. 

You can buy the hard copy for 10 bucks.  The Kindle version is on sale right now for only 3.99.  It’s worth it.  Buy it here.

What Kid Do You Want to Parent?

Mark

It’s always been difficult raising Mark.  From a very young age his temper was a problem.  He was kicked out of kindergarten for violent behavior towards the other children.  The screaming was one thing.  The shoving another.  But once he began biting and stabbing other kids with pencils the school’s guidance counselor knew that something had to be done. 

The rage only got worse through the years.  Mom and dad had been punched, spit upon, kicked, yelled at, threatened, shoved, and had become ninja-like in their ability to dodge flying objects hurled forth from Mark’s angry hands.  The smallest things seemed to set him off.  His reaction was never proportionate to the offense against him. 

Mom and dad tried but eventually the authorities had to step in.  Mark spent most of his days in and out of psychiatric hospitals, juvenile detention centers, and various group homes.  Nothing seemed to work.  He still raged. 

Eventually Mark got old enough to “make his own decisions”.  Once his juvenile record was expunged Mark was a free man.  Somehow he was able to mask all of this anger for awhile.  It looked like his life may begin getting on track.  But eventually the rage won over.  Mark is now homeless.  He spends most of his days around all that is of ill-repute.  Prostitutes, crack-heads, everything that would make a mom forcefully turn her daughters innocent eyes away from. 

What’s worse is that Mark is even outcast among the outcast.  His anger is so consuming that nobody wants to be around him.  And he will occasionally lose his temper and violently hurt people; but because these are people of such low status it mostly goes undetected.  Undetected by authorities at least.  Many of the homeless have banned together to try to somehow confine Mark and chain him down for their own protection.  But nothing seems to hold down his rage. 

Samuel

Across town you are introduced to Samuel.  Though they went to the same grade school Samuel and Mark are totally different.  If you look inside Samuel’s closet you will not find a stack of pornography magazines, no racy love letters, no dark secrets.  Instead you will find a tattered but still honorable AWANA vest filled with badges displaying his Bible knowledge.  Samuel still can rattle off the 10 Commandments in order.

You’re a smart reader so you are assuming that Samuel must only have head knowledge.  Surely he has some dark secrets.  Of course he has sinned but he’s not a bad kid, at all.  He really does do his best to keep all of the 10 Commandments.  He’s never committed adultery.  He’s not an angry guy, he’s about the nicest kid you could meet.  He doesn’t steal, he doesn’t lie, he’s everything that a mom and dad could want out of a son. 

He’s successful too.  He is young but he has great management skills and innovative ideas which is causing his online business to boom.  He’s quickly becoming very wealthy and is beginning to hold a great position of authority.  Samuel is well-respected in the community. 

Which Kid Do You Want to Claim?

Mark’s mom probably isn’t very quick to bust out her photos highlighting Mark’s life.  Samuel’s mom on the other hand wears a very proud World’s #1 Mom Button on her sweater.  Obviously parents would rather have obedient and successful Samuel’s as their children.  Few parents would leap at the idea of being the primary caregivers for the Mark’s of the world. 

Hopefully you know I am going to make a point.  Some of you may even recognize these two characters.  Mark’s story is taken from the demon-possessed man in Mark 5.  Samuel is the rich young ruler from Luke 18. 

Note how their stories “end”…

Mark: As [Jesus] was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him.  And he did not permit him but said to him, ‘God home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.’  And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.

Mark met Jesus and in his desperate state he came to realize that the only one that could bind his rage was the Strong Man who came to destroy the works of the devil.  Mark came to realize that his life had been a perpetual cycle of God-belittling sin and a constant chiseling away at the image of God in his life.  Mark was becoming less human.  But Jesus restored him. 

Mark’s story ends with him being a missionary and telling his friends (I guess he had a few left after all) about what Jesus did for him.  Mark’s life ends with people marveling at the greatness and power of God to restore somebody so broken. 

Samuel: When Jesus heard this, he said to him, ‘One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.’  But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.

Samuel met Jesus while hoisting his mantle of self-righteousness and looking for one more badge to put on his AWANA vest.  He was never able to get past the report card that Jesus’ gave of his heart.  “Mom and grandma always told me I’m awesome, everything in my life is evidence of the blessing of God, who is this Jesus guy to tell me I’m lacking something and I can’t get another badge!?!?” 

Samuel’s story ends with him turning away from Jesus.  And where Mark’s story ends with people marveling at the greatness and power of God, Samuel’s story has disciples “astonished” (Mt. 19:25) and it seems somewhat discouraged at their own abilities to be saved.  One causes vertical praise the other causes horizontal befuddlement. 

What this means for parenting

First, parents of Mark’s ought to be cautious in not only blaming their own parenting skills but also at giving up on Mark.  There is nothing in the gospel account about this demon possessed man’s parents.  We have no idea if they were good, if they raise him right, if they abandoned him, or if they were members of the occult that opened the gateway for his demon possession.  But what we do know is that Redemption found Mark and his life ended in praise to the glory of God. 

Secondly, parents of Samuel ought to be careful that they do not rest on their laurels, look at little-Sammy’s successful life and pat themselves on the back for applying all those good biblical principles.  It’s possible that you could be raising a good little Pharisee that can’t wrap his heart around the fact that he needs Jesus because he’s just as alienated from the Lord as the naked Mark who was hanging out in places of ill-repute. 

Lastly, we need to be so smitten with Christ and so enamored with His gospel that our goal for our children is to see God glorified in their lives.  Many parents would be happy with having nothing more than a successful little Samuel in their life.  That’s not the goal.  Little kids that love Jesus is the goal.  And little kids that love Jesus do not come from making sure they get AWANA badges.  Having kids that love Jesus comes from them having horrifyingly glared at the depth of their sin but also drinking from the deep fountain of His grace. 

Would you be content with years of parenting a Mark if ended in God’s glory?  Or are you simply striving for a successful Samuel?  Do you want your kids to be clothed true robes of righteousness—no matter the brokenness it takes to get there?  Or are you content with junior blissfully jaunting through life wearing his fig-leaves of self-righteousness only to be found naked and ashamed before the living God? 

Review of Family Shepherds by Voddie Baucham, Jr.

I apologize for the voice dub on the above scene—it is the only video I could find.  I also must mention that for the following illustration I am indebted to Dr. Timothy Paul Jones from SBTS. 

“BOB, It’s time to engage!” 

Voddie Baucham has written Family Shepherds to not only inspire men to engage and lead their families but also to give Christian men a resource to engage.  This practical call for men to take up their God-given responsibilities to lead their families is meant to be an encouragement to men and a helpful resource for churches to use to equip husbands and fathers. 

It has been my experience that most men in the church want to lead their families.  The problem is that they either do not know how or lack the confidence to embark on this difficult and life-long labor. 

I confess on behalf of men everywhere that we are quite often guilty of only playing the games we are good at.  If we can dominate at baseball but can’t quite master ping pong you will see us on the baseball diamond far more often than swinging a paddle in our basement.  The same goes with areas in our lives.  Many men feel confident in their jobs, social clubs, or hiding behind the success of their sports teams.  Few men feel confident as husbands, fathers, and spiritual leaders.  As a result many men disengage.

Sadly, though many fathers compare their own parenting not according to Scripture but according to their own fathers treatment of them.  Yet all across America families are being devastated by men that have “taken their ball and went home”.  As Baucham there are…

“a myriad of families strewn across battlefields of broken homes, having been ravaged by passivity, ignorance, cowardice, and usurpation.  They’re homes with fathers who have no earthly idea how to lead them, let alone the slightest inclination to shoulder the responsibility.  What’s worse, many of these causalities of war are wearing medals and have trophies on their mantle that read, ‘For Merely Showing Up’!  (19)

Men need to do far more than show up.  Baucham hopes that Family Shepherds will not only inspire men to pursue more valuable trophies but also the book will equip men.  Baucham’s desire is to help men “see their proper role and responsibility as a family shepherd” and then “give him the tools, motivation, confidence, and accountability he needs in order to step into that role and succeed.” (44)

The book is divided into five parts.  The first part is a biblical exposition of the family and a passionate plea for men to see themselves as the family shepherd.  The second part is meant to equip men to disciple their children by embracing their role as prophet and priest for their family.  The third part rightly emphasizes the necessity of a family shepherd to have a healthy marriage.  The fourth part deals with training and discipline by reminding dads that their goal is not to raise good little Pharisees but Jesus followers.  The last section is a lifestyle evaluation where Baucham challenges men to consider their church membership, use of time, and dual citizenship.  The book also has a short section meant to address the reality of fatherless families and then two short appendices: tools and a sample prayer gram. 

Does it succeed?

One of my “projects” at FB Jasper is to develop, implement, and work out family-equipping ministry in our church.  As such I am constantly looking for resources to not only inspire men to take up their God-given responsibility to be a family shepherd but also to equip men to fulfill that role.  I was very excited to see that Family Shepherds claims to accomplish both of these aims.  Does it?

If I ask the question of this book, “does it clearly define and inspire men to take up their God-given role of family shepherd” then the answer is a resounding yes.  Baucham not only navigates controversial aspects (such as discipline and male headship) but he also inspires men to do what God has called them to do.  I appreciate Baucham’s chapter on the necessity of a man putting his wife ahead of his children.  I further appreciate his emphasis on the necessity of the local church.  I would feel comfortable giving this book to any man that is wondering what his responsibility is as a husband and father. 

If I ask the question of this book, “does it equip men to confidently fulfill their role as family shepherd” I would humbly and disappointedly say not quite.  In my opinion the book does a good job of showing men what to do but it falls a little short in helping men actually figure out how to do it.  Though Baucham rightly points out the necessity of men discipling their wives, there is little in the book to assist men in accomplishing this task.  There is some practical help on catechizing, leading family worship, and disciplining children but as a whole the book does not seem to fulfill it’s promise to equip men as much as it does calling men.

The reader should also be aware of Baucham’s blunt style.  He is known as a teacher that simply says things as they are without leaving much room for grey.  There are times when this is necessary but some may be turned off by the way Baucham navigates controversial topics.  If one is not already in agreement with Baucham’s basic presuppositions I am not sure he winningly makes his case to convince a skeptical reader of adopting his position. 

I will save for a later date my distaste for the occasional shot that Baucham seems to take at those that do not fully embrace his family-driven faith model of church and family ministry. 

Conclusion 

Though the book has a few weak spots I would still recommend it.  The book is an excellent source for calling men to become family shepherds.  If it were to be used as a resource to inspire men to discover their God given roles with the occasional practical tip to live that out then this book is very helpful.  If you try using it as the resource (and I’m not sure Baucham would even suggest that) for equipping men to be family shepherds you will probably be disappointed. 

I am very grateful for Voddie Baucham and his ministry.  This book inspired me and taught me in areas where I have been lax.  I would encourage every man to at least give this book a quick look—and some may want to feast for awhile. 

I received the book free from Crossway in exchange for a review.  The review did not have to be positive.  If you would like to purchase the book you can do so for under 10 bucks.  Click here if you want to buy it. 

An Open Letter to a Four-Year Old Boy on the Day After His Birthday

Isaiah,

Four years ago we were in a hospital in Hannibal, MO.  Daddy was changing his first diapers and still in awe that the little boy that I was holding in my hands was my precious son.  From the moment that mommy and I first saw you we fell in love.  I still remember when your eyes and daddy’s eyes met.  It was as if you were thinking, “this is the face to the voice I’ve been hearing muddled for a few months now—what’s up daddy!” 

My love for you has never waned in these four years; only grown.  I may be a tad biased, but I am convinced that you are the most amazing little boy that is presently walking on the earth.  You have such a fun sense of humor.  I love hearing you tell jokes.  You are a really good joke teller.  I love hearing you laugh as you watch cartoons.  I love watching you be Spiderman, Mario, Hulk Hogan, or any of the characters from Despicable Me.  I love to make you laugh.  I love watching baseball (or Cars, or Despicable Me, or Mario, or all the other movies) with you as you fall asleep at night. 

I love hearing you tell us the story of Jesus’ birth.  I am very proud that you are only four but you seem to be starting to understand the gospel.  I am so blessed to be able to teach you all of the Bible stories—not for the sake of Bible stories but because they point us to Christ.  I’m glad that God has decided to give me you as a son.  I am gladly blessed that for how many years the Lord sees fit to have you live under our roof that we get to share this life together.  Even when you get older, get married (if the Lord so decides), and have children of your own (if the Lord wills), you will still be my son and my love for you will continue to grow.

I look forward to all of the experiences that we will have together—except for maybe teaching you math.  I know that we already enjoy watching baseball together and I look forward to cheering for the Royals this summer.  I also know that at some point you will probably create your own opinion and the Royals, Browns, Bulls, and Missouri Tigers will be less appealing.  In those moments it will be fun to root against you. 

I also know that we already love telling stories together.  It is such a blessing to get to tell not only Bible stories to you for the first time but also church history stories.  I have to confess, I am very proud that my little boy that just turned for can tell people about Augustine, John Calvin, Absalom Jones, and a host of other figures in church history.   

Yes, you are quite an amazing blessing to mommy and daddy.  We know that every bit of this comes from our gracious and loving Father.  Every good and perfect gift comes from God.  You indeed are a wonderful gift that we know has come to us from the Lord.  May mommy and I enjoy every moment that God gives us with you.  I pray that the gospel goes deep enough in mommy and daddy’s heart that we can enjoy this wonderful gift that has been given to us.

My prayer for you and your life continues to be that whatever you do that you do it in obedience to the Lord and you do it so that Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen God, may be the only boast of your generation.  I pray first and foremost that soon and very soon you may come to savingly know Jesus as your Lord and your Savior.  Then I pray that all of your life is one of growing in your knowledge and enjoyment of everything that Christ has purchased on your behalf. 

Isaiah, Jesus is very good.  Daddy will let you down at times.  Jesus never will.  Daddy loves you a million times infinity—but Jesus loves you even more.  Daddy, would give his life for you; Jesus, already has and would do it a million times over—though that is not necessary.  He is the one you need.  You will spend eternity marveling at and worshipping Jesus.  He is cooler than Mario, more awesome than Gru, more powerful than Spider-man, and has far more joy than all the Cars combined—yes, even Mater.  I know too that by the grace of God daddy is one of your heroes too.  Jesus is way cooler.  We will spend all of eternity in heaven, together, worshipping Jesus.  He is our shared hero.  As much as we love watching the Royals together—we will infinitely more enjoy worshipping Jesus.  He’s the one you need.

Happy birthday, bud.  You are a huge blessing to mommy and daddy.  There is so much more to say and I am thankful that I get a lifetime to say it and show it.  I love you!

Dads, Show Them His Glory

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

As I was reflecting on the life of Augustine these words took on a little different shape for me.  I have always read these words as if Paul is saying, “don’t be a jerk to your kids, but instead bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  As if Paul is saying here, “Be nice to your kids and make sure you tell them about Jesus”.  I still think that is a good part of what Paul is saying.  I think he is speaking of tender nurturing and discipline and admonition in the lives of our children. 

But there is another side to this that I notice in Augustine’s life.  You can access over five million words of Augustine’s online.  If you perused over them less than .01 percent of these words would have been dedicated to his earthly father. 

In his biography on Augustine, John Piper hypothesizes that Augustine’s silence towards his father is owed to his fatherly neglect.  As Augustine once lamented that his father, “his father, "took no trouble at all to see how I was growing in your sight [O God] or whether I was chaste or not. He cared only that I should have a fertile tongue."  And so Piper believes that, “the profound disappointment in his father’s care for him silence Augustine’s tongue concerning his father for the rest of his life”.  (47)

One way to provoke your children to anger is to rip them off by bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the world.  Teaching little Billy—even though mostly inadvertently--that the greatest part of his identity and efforts should be at becoming a top-athlete, brilliant student, fine politician, or shrewd money-manager may eventually provoke him to anger.  Perhaps he will not even know what to call it, but he will look back on your fathering and there will be an aching void that cries out for answers; why didn’t you show me there was more, dad?

Dads, your little boy (and girl) is crying out to you “Show me His glory”.  Everything else will be but a mere trifle.  Enjoy sports, enjoy learning, enjoy spiders and bugs and mud and monster trucks, but enjoy them unto the glory of God.  As Augustine later discovered:

But what do I love when I love my God? . . . Not the sweet melody of harmony and song; not the fragrance of flowers, perfumes, and spices; not manna or honey; not limbs such as the body delights to embrace. It is not these that I love when I love my God. And yet, when I love him, it is true that I love a light of a certain kind, a voice, a perfume, a food, an embrace; but they are of the kind that I love in my inner self, when my soul is bathed in light that is not bound by space; when it listens to sound that never dies away; when it breathes fragrance that is not borne away on the wind; when it tastes food that is never consumed by the eating; when it clings to an embrace from which it is not severed by fulfillment of desire. This is what I love when I love my God.

Yes, grace ultimately triumphed in the life of Augustine.  God was not going to sit idly by and allow a passive, misdirected, unengaged father to eternally ruin one of his sheep.  Grace triumphed in spite of Augustine’s father.  And I pray that grace triumphs in the life of my children in spite of my own failings as a dad.  But I also pray that grace triumphs through my efforts of bringing up my children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. 

I pray that the Lord will continue to raise up fathers all across the world that care more about the breadth of their children’s love for Jesus rather than they do the fatness of their children’s wallet. 

I pray that the Lord raises up fathers whose everyday talk with their children is an overflowing of grace and joy in the abundance of all that Jesus has purchased instead of the bickering, whining, and despair of dads still dreaming about the national championship that almost was 15 years ago. 

I pray that the Lord raises up dads that realize their greatest victory and greatest ministry will be children that love the Lord and not job promotions, social statuses, or worldly security—even when those things are “Christianized” and called ministry.

I pray that the Lord will raise daddy’s all over the world off their couches and into their children’s lives.  I pray that these fathers refuse to think that showing up is enough to give them a trophy and that they stop delegating their child’s instruction to mommy, and start being intentional and passionate about daily living/sharing the gospel with their children. 

I pray that the Lord makes me one of those daddy’s. 

Hey Daddy, Chill Out!

I’ll warn you in advance this will not be a neatly written treatise or anything like that.  I simply want to share something, hopefully briefly, that I believe the Lord is showing me.  So…no catchy introduction. 

Background: I really love my children.  I am very dedicated to my children.  I want to see them grow into a passionate Jesus-loving, kingdom-building, earth moving man and woman.  I want Isaiah to be a good daddy and great husband.  I want Hannah to be a good mommy and great wife. 

I’m also a sinner.  I have idols.  I have ridiculous self-righteousness.  Part of the reason I want my kids to be “good” Christians is because I want that to reflect upon my super-awesome parenting.  My children are (at least in part) a reflection of my relationship with Jesus.  And I want to look good. 

At the same time that I am passionate about my children I also have a sinful tendency to disengage and shut-down when I get overwhelmed.  I know this about myself so I fight it extra hard.  Part of this fighting extra hard sometimes leads to me cleaning the outside of the cup and neglecting the inside.  It pains me to say it but sometimes my time with my kids isn’t from the heart it’s just me faking it. 

The Point: I’m going to chill out and rest in grace. 

Instead of reading a million parenting books and trying to get my Christian-parenting down to a science I’m going to try to make it simple.  I am going to radically pursue a day by day relationship with Jesus.  One with bumps, bruises, failings, successes, gritty-honesty, shameful hypocrisy, and everything that comes from a desperate (and sometimes prideful not-so desperate) sinner relating to a sinless Savior. 

Same thing with my children.  I’m just going to be dad.  Probably the greatest thing that I can give my kiddos is to just be present with them.  I’m going to sin against them.  I’m going to be angry at times.  I’m going to discipline when I should have just let things slide.  I’m going to let things slide when I should have probably disciplined.  I’m probably never going to win a dad of the year award.  But Lord willing, I’m going to be there. 

Even if at the end of everything my children look back and say, “dad was pretty screwed up, he had a ton of faults, but he loved Jesus, he was growing, and he was always there for us.”  If that’s what they say I’ll be happy.  And I’d also like for them to say it with a smile on their face. 

I want my kids to smile. 

I want my kids to rest in grace because they learned how to do that from their daddy. 

I want my kids to see that God’s grace is sufficient and it’s something to be enjoyed. 

I want my kids to grow up in a home that dances (interpretively moves if you’re a Baptist) at the victory that Christ has already won instead of a home that mumbles, grumbles, and labors as if the gospel only won a partial victory. 

May grace reign!

Review of Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson

Every church should have a small group for parents.  Maybe not to go over the latest Christian parenting book or fad, but simply to encourage one another that you aren’t the worse parent in the world and little Johnny is probably not Satan-incarnate. 

I read a good amount of Christian parenting books.  I read the ones that tell you “do X so that your kid will be successful”, and I also read the ones that are more geared towards parenting with the gospel as a grid.  Both leave me exhausted—convinced that I am going to mess up my kids.

You see, I absolutely love my children and I want give them grace.  More than anything I want them to drink deeply of God’s grace.  I want them to live holy, God-honoring lives.  I want my kids to be used by God in mighty ways.  And because of this I develop an idolatrous obsession with raising my kids to love the gospel.  I try to do everything perfectly because somewhere along the way I began believing the lie that my children’s salvation is largely dependant on my parenting. 

Not a How-To Book

I agreed to review Give Them Grace for Crossway primarily because I feel exhausted in my parenting.  It sounded like a much needed refreshment.  But it also sounded like something to give me a few “how-to’s” on applying grace in the lives of my children. 

What is ironic is that I really want is not a book that is saturated in the gospel but one that is saturated with a list of rules for successful gospel parenting.  How horrible that I have somehow turned gospel-centrality into a law or an idol that I bow to!

Because of this stupid obsession with getting a list of parenting tools to jam into my already bursting fanny-pack of Christian parenting tips, I felt a tad frustrated in the beginning of this book.  It was a breath of fresh air but I didn’t want a simple, “chill out, God is in control”.  I wanted simple answers that would put me in control of my children’s fate. 

Give Them Grace is not your typical parenting book.  In fact it actually identifies what is wrong with many “Christian” parenting books.  Most parents that read Christian parenting books do so with this mindset:

Their love for their children coupled with fear makes them want a guaranteed method of handling every situation with complete certainty.  They are serious about being godly parents, and they really don’t want to give themselves a pass if resting in grace somehow means that they aren’t holding up their part of the bargain.  They need grace to believe that there is no bargain, because if there were, they would never be able to uphold their part of it no matter how hard they try.  No bargains, no meritorious works, just grace.  Remember, parenting is not a covenant of works.  (159)

Sadly, many books are quick to offer exactly what a desperate parent desires; namely, how to control their children. 

Well, What DO I Do? 

If I abandon the “carrot and the stick” parenting method (you know motivating through rewards and punishments) then what do I do as a parent?  Fitzpatrick and Thompson, I believe, offer a simple answer: get grace yourself and extend it to your kids.  This book is an attempt to encourage parents to draw deeply from the well of grace themselves and then as the gospel-saturates their hearts and lives they will be in a much better position to instruct their children in the gospel. 

This echoes advice that I received from a professor in seminary.  His children were already grown and out of the home.  He was confessing to our class much of his “failed” parenting and how he regretted much of what he had done.  He shared with us the one thing he wishes he would have done as a Christian parent.  Ready for it?……Just chill out.  Rest in Grace; that was his advice. 

And it is this nugget of advice where this book really shines.  As a parent I found much refreshment from this book.  I was frustrated that it did not give me 10 simple steps of how to control my children for Jesus.  But at the end of the day I am refreshed and reminded of the beauty of the gospel and the mercy of God in making me a dad.  My children do not need me to beat them over the head with the gospel—what they really need is for me to get the gospel and let it overflow into their lives.  I need to chill out.  I need to rest in grace and enjoy myself—and hopefully in the process my children will catch on to the beauties of grace. 

One Negative

The authors are very quick to point out that their suggested dialogue in the book is just that—suggested dialogue.  But as I read through many of these I began feeling the weight of "saying it right” that is in many of the other parenting books.  In my opinion the others are guilty of trying to make every moment a teachable moment and actually not living in the grace that they are speaking of throughout the book. 

I had a real problem with this in the second chapter on “how to raise good kids”.  I absolutely agree with the underlying theology of this chapter.  I do believe that so much of our parenting is an attempt to raise good little Pharisee and not Jesus-loving sinners.  But I would have a hard time parroting some of their dialogue with my children:

Rather than telling Rebekah that she’s a good girl, we could say, “I noticed you shared your swing.  Do you know what that reminds me of?  How Christ shared his life with us.  I’m so thankful for God’s working in your life that way.  I know that neither of us would ever do anything kind if God wasn’t helping us.  I’m so thankful.  (42)

I get the intent behind this statement.  But I am not certain that it is really necessary to speak in such a way.  For one it does not do justice to the imago Dei.  Yes, ultimately we must push our affirmation of others upwards to reach its true origin—the goodness and grace of our Creator.  But there is a way of praising creation that echoes in praise to the Maker without explicitly debasing the creature. 

I tend to agree with John Bird’s caveat, when he says,

“this loose way of applying the gospel, especially when often repeated, takes the power out of the message and can weary the children. Something sadder than a child growing up never hearing the good news is a child who grows up hoping to never hear it again.

Honestly, the greatest danger will be for people like me that pick this book up looking for 10 ways to control your children with grace, try to follow the verbiage to a tee, and miss the overall message of the book. 

The overall message of this book is a much needed refreshment.  I need to be reminded that the gospel is for parents too.  I also need to be reminded that my children’s salvation is dependant upon the God of grace and not my parenting.  Yes, I want to parent to the glorify of God—but the way that happens is by drawing deeply from the well of grace. 

I would encourage all parents to read this book.  In fact I would almost encourage parents to get this book and stop reading so many other ones.  Chill out and rest in grace.  This book will, for the most part, help you to do just that.

You can buy it here. 

Review of Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

Author: Tedd Tripp

Pages: 211pgs

Publisher: Shepherd Press

Price: 10.05

Genre: Parenting/Christian Living

Quick Summary:

I had no idea how controversial this book was until I skimmed through the over 300 reviews on Amazon. Over 150 are 5 stars and a little over 100 are 1 star. Either you love the book or you hate the book. Why? Tedd Tripp encourages spanking as a means of shepherding your child’s heart. But this book is not a “spanking manual” as some have dubbed it. This book is about addressing issues of the heart and not simply getting your child to obey.

The book is written to help parents with any age of children, but is probably most helpful to those with younger children. It is divided into two sections. The first section lays the foundations for biblical childrearing and the second section deals with practical steps for each stage of your child’s life.

What I Liked:

Tripp is unashamedly biblical in his approach to parenting. He deals fully with human depravity as well as difficult things like not sparing the rod. Even if you do not agree with spanking as being “the rod” you will still benefit from the grace that permeates this book. It is sad that Tripp is often accused of advocating child abuse. The truth is that what Tripp suggests is further from child abuse than some of the other manipulative and emotionally abusive methods that are often advocated.

This book has been incredibly helpful for my wife and me. There are, in my opinion, very few good Christian books on parenting. Most simply advocate Christian moralism and embrace secular psychology to the neglect of foundational Christian doctrines. Tripp provides a gospel centered approach.

What I Disliked:

At times I think that Tripp may overstate his case. I think there are some things that he simply dismisses and does not really provide a thorough defense of a controversial topic. An added appendix would really help.

Should You Buy It?

Don’t believe the 1 star reviews (and not even some of the 5 star reviews). Even if you disagree with spanking read this book for what Tedd Tripp is really saying. Even if at the end of the day you are not convinced that spanking is the best (most biblical) method of discipline you can still apply the principles that undergird this book. This book is gospel-centered and really does have a hope of shepherding the child’s heart and not just creating a well behaved kid. This is a great resource that every parent should consider.  Buy it for 10.05.

Rating: 4.8 out of 5 stars